Painful Memories

KARMA!

2008-07-27T23:12:00.002+08:00

http://itspayday.livejournal.com !

time fr some change!

1 ugly 2 fat

2008-07-22T21:13:00.004+08:00

HEARTS IS THE NEW BRIDGE. okok enough of cards. burn.

i like to gossip lately, its such an amazing trend i hardly follow actually, maybe bitching is more ideal, guys bitch, yes yes, influence of some really bitchy people =)

there are several bitchings i shall make today. i mean, im in such a bitching mood, i guess i'll get a really high number of hits after this, especially from school =) bitch together okay? lets bitch yay!

1.) gonna bitch about this really awful stomachache i got, annoying, must be that oyster sauce in the chicken, allergy. ANNOYING. ANNOYING, jus like the next 2 bitches.
2.) i detest the sight of fair fat bitches. fair and fat? they jus rhyme so they go together supposedly. it makes me wonder to myself, how they exist. sometimes they just get into your sight, undeniably big difficult to miss. attraction comes in different forms, be appreciative okay? like my geepee teacher. she is so high class and affording those HIGH class stuff, well, everyone DETEST and hates her. but i suppose it is totally alright, high class people means high class expectations which will lead to high class demand that normally such not so high class people can accomodate and satisfy with. of course, u get HIGH CLASS disappointments. awwwwwww. i would really love such arrogance that goes around, it makes everything so much more exciting and heh, higher class. condemn somemore, give that reallly awful look, twitch of an eye or jus a long stare, maybe a high class statement, or jus stick to reality, no one gives a fuck about u. understand? it'll be greatly appreciated. =)
3.) some people are jus so ugly la, i mean, FUGLY. to the MAX. such a small face, i praise the lord for his miracles being able to supply a really small face with the basic necessities such as an eye, a nose, 2 ears and a really big mouth, unfortunately, a retardedly small brain. how unfortunate again. throwing insults can be great fun. because i believe it gets most of one's relentless amount of anger and frustration out and running. pushing the blame, putting a blame, and lying of a blame to somoene can be such of convenience, perharps, thats how some people work.
4.) desperate measures are taken to protect oneself, that goes for everyone, especially for purposes that relates to matters of the heart, soul and body alike. the mind works hard, passion comes from the heart, conscience from the soul and limits from the physical aspect of every human being. some people have their mind over body, but losing themselves in the process, conscience stricken actions that they do not know will cause much devastating effects, i believe i myself am a victim of such sins. what i do not realise that people i know are doing so much worse. a sin i shall be contented with, repentence will mark forgiveness, however habit does not.
5.) I LOST MY WATER BOTTLE. maybe someone so fucking fat sat on it =(
6.) history is really bitching, totally, i would spend eternity on it and the grades will stay so stagnent. AWWW once again. work harder la. dumbfuck.
7.) time is running out, i really need a holiday, (didnt i jus have one?) OH YES. maybe a holiday would really (lessen) the stress and burden upon me.... i think i should stop whining. OK I SHALL WORK INSTEAD.
8.) LASTLY got this freaking BIG BITCHING CAMP coming up ahead. =( its soooo annoying, =( but i guess i'll go. such a test of faith lor.

well well well. heading down to my books and some chocolate. immerse myself in music and shut the devils out. i need that A and i need the good grades and i need the time to do so and i need more holidays to relax and i need less sight of really fucked up people that i dont like as they are so fucked up and bitchy that wooooooo, one of a kind. they are unique people, spicing the day up, posing up to provide funny posts like this and naturally, brings about more bitching to come. gossips gossips piss piss, im looking forward to more news.

pardon my spelling errors, be happy to bitch about it. =D

i never liked u since last year. awwww so sad, now, high class people dont buy fake goods dont they? maybe i should start bitching about this. nahs, i save it for another time. bitch out =)

party time

2008-07-21T00:09:00.001+08:00

hoho, i jus found out something n someone has mistakenly gt me involve =)

yixuan time to eat ur words =)

powerrrrr

2008-07-17T19:00:00.002+08:00

god gave me a strength, well of course, its really great!
god gave me a gift, well of course, its fantastic!
god gave me a sign, well of course, i followed it!

we see the the treasures we receive everyday, hoping that one day, when we die, we dont go to hell. eventually, it becomes embedded into us that we looked at it from another perspective.

we are born to sing priases to his name,
yet we curse and swore grittingly.
we are born to play the heavenly music,
yet we destroy what worth we see before our eyes.

carry on the slavery we debt ourselves in,
material happiness and blinded aims.
but true joy manifest itself in pure sorrow,
to store our thoughts within those tears.

peace peace peace,
laughter with some insanity.
we ruin the lives of others,
so we proclaim satifaction.

we do not carry the heavenly oath,
and we slave for the mighty rich.
never will we pay the price,
because? we are jus too self centred.

thank god for this early dismissal. the pain buzzes in my head, rolling and rolling and rolling, over and over again. quit it quit it quit it. i hate ambitions that i hold, it jus kills character. it makes me so weak, enslaved yet to another personality that i dont seem to understand. freedom of choices became wild experimentations i could never comprehend. so tell me, what is my message this time god? to do nothing? to hold back and to tell myself, my time is over?

im destined for a greater glory, a glory of nothingness, or senseless achievements, till i continue the pray that i left off and tell myself, not to fall again.

sweet grades, i cant go anywhere, ohwells. study study study, and not get distracted.

and for those i meant to say. sorry is the word. sorry.

sometimes i wonder, what good it brings to put someone before one self. maybe it leads to a little lunatic and foolish actions, well, isnt self sacrifice destructive?

ohhh my let let let it go

2008-07-12T23:12:00.002+08:00

ohhh ohhh my. what a way to see people with such attitude, i mean. ure fat, spoilt and really really snob. try harder sometimes, i rather timidness than those really LOUD words u use, i cant believe it. u dont need to say it, intention...? i jus love those "far sighted yet myopic views of urs. =)

grant me sins.

2008-07-10T00:59:00.002+08:00

God,

grant me a heart of stone,
grant me the numbness in the veins,
grant me feelings that wont last,
grant me jealousy to kill,
grant me fervour for blood,
grant me mouth to lie,
grant me the guts to slit,
grant me the life of infidelity,
grant me endless shame.

please?

cant i feel this way, the friendship i treasure, just lost because of some people, lost because they already lost their own passion, and blame it unto me. but yes, grant me those wish, that i will never turn back, to fight off those anxious moment, where i cannot look in the mirror but somewhere else, i can never forget, that ever being happy, is seeing someone else happy and also, to know that everything went right.

we cold, be bold to let go, this is the time, where getting the best out of things, is to be mean and never to forgive. dont ever look far and expect simple things to happen, people are incapable of doing so.

ashame

2008-07-05T22:34:00.002+08:00

i love my new pair of white shoes. its lovely.

well well. my blog has been so dead lately, havent had much of a time blogging and posting up, training real hard for nationals only to be ended with a disappointment.

i tried to cry out those tears that got stuck in those heavy lids of mine, i was tired, it sort of kills, it sort of gave me an excuse that i wasnt performing. it wasnt totally fine, i was never so insecure in my life when i went to the stadium, i took my painkillers, i took those counterpain rubs, i took the sprays but it wasnt of any use, i felt weak, no strength in my veins to conjure up that strength, i couldnt move my hip, my legs were frozen still and all i could do was to be ashame of myself. nothing went right, and the position i got, i deserved it. i couldnt ask for anything more, defeat stared straight into my eyes as i walked away. this is a lousy year for me. i shouldnt blame anyone else but myself. somehow, nothing can cheer me up, the passion suddenly jus taken away from me just like that. i cant smile, without knowing i did my best, i could blame the injury, was i pushing myself too hard too last minute? everything could only be my fault... i suck thats it.

i hate myself really, i hate myself for not choosing the right things to do. i dont know why. i cant seem to find some happiness in what im doing. i keep those tears inside, i'll be a man, and i tell myself, i lost this final chance, and i'll learn something from it.

stressfulfuckfuck

2008-06-20T23:15:00.001+08:00

everything is jus coming to me. jus like that. every fucking thing. argh argh. i fucking cannot take it. fuck fuck fuck fuck off every fucking bad thing.

stronger

2008-06-03T23:29:00.001+08:00

sometimes a little happy light can brighten the day.

mood:sleepy
reason:damn full.

ok. well. hard training hard training. go aaron go! =)

tiring tiring and more?

2008-05-28T00:15:00.003+08:00

ohhh my. gym training gym training gym training.

pls be reminded that gym and training are 2 separate words. =)

ok. its gonna be a reallly tiring time of late may/ early june. so YES. better buck up and train hard! =) Nationals is coming and yea, gotta be pretty ambitious down here. AND PLS DONT FORGET TO STUDY, everyone and to myself. anyway. gonna sleep now. then strain everywhere aint helping either. morning training tomorrow and school. and school on thurs and friday. okok. sheesh. sleep sleep. =) i'll blog more tomorrow (today actually) laterrrrs. nights.

and ure another distant memory

2008-05-21T20:19:00.001+08:00

and ure another distant memory, locked up and sealed... OUTSIDE MY HEART.

the wall have ears

2008-05-21T11:58:00.003+08:00

THIS POST. i dedicate to. 2t33.

well well. my ex class of mine. simply, i jus feel the need to dedicate this post to u guys, well, i meant, to ALL. so let me see how shall i start? by affiliation? or by... hatred? well. i'll jus do it the way everyone likes me to be like. =)

firstly, targeting to those bitches which they themselves know cant keep their mouths shut. maybe just one in particular, but of course, there are many willing to parttake in this ritual, clearly unnecessary. so. some people jus are too bored stuying? so they just have to spread real untruths? even for the case of rumours i know. i dont really need to tell. how much each and one individual are killing each other in class, its humourous, really, its so funny how enemies makes great friends among each other, by the end of days to come, u associate yourselves as "classmates"? hohoho.

secondly, to those who buy up their associates with riches that they do not own, another chuck it seems. this times, its a SHE. shes fatter, while people are getting slimmer, she needs things for herself and will use whatever she has to get what she wants, thus its rather "funny" i say again that she blends in some facade of a friendship shes so contented with. hohoho. well to me, secrets are worth as much of friendships i treasure, i dont sell them for others, especially worthless ones.

in comparison, i just need to let many of you know, the fact that many will read this post, and countless amount of hits, i know. i can tell, sources as well says the same thing too. read this which are going to come up.

people knows the class jus cannot click. people knows that u all are trying to prove everyone elses wrong, especially myself, since last year. its been really difficult and i know why, sometimes, its easier to blame the sole person, in fact, its easier to live the lie than to live with the truth, isnt it? im cool being the easiest to be blamed for any distrupencies that happened in class, hasnt it always been a habit? apparently, i've gotten used to it, and i've learnt to let go being in such an environment, a change of class made me see, that sometimes, u just got to get out of that stucked black hole of yours and feel the difference, and so it is, so significant.

so will this post bring about more pain and hatred? or a real awakening? i wonder reunification of the masses as either due to a certain interest or rather for the ultimate for of others? its dependent too much on self image and real impression base on those POPOULAR figures. but im sorry to say, everything is just like what a frog would see in the well. - simply stated of course.

however there are few, whose own ability to withstand the pressure of being forced to abide by evil means manage to show a clear and distinguished difference. its definitely a much clearer view of everything else, especially when entire views of people will shift towards an equilibrium of biasedness, isnt that what the class people have been living their lives? of the lives of others? amusement of those who are more unfortunate? shooting off their mouths to get the attention they seek? even so, they spread their habits and influence to others beyong the classroom boundaries and form their social group of hot shot talking. amusing, very amusing.

anyway miss fatty and miss skinny, i've derived my own entertainment from you all, its funny how words spread about compatibility, oh great. its fantastic how i get my own fair share of gossips i chose to enclose and see for myself, and u guys just have to prove me right.

esepcially towards the trying, isnt it great to find a scapegoat and a talking point? so was it because of me? hoho. the walls have ears, the wind whispers a little too loudly and echos can be heard from afar. but im most most most amused at one thing, why do these words i hear, always from the same people, whom i detest so much, why has it always been the same peoeple, who has thickskinned elements in them, who are in the topics of disgust that i hear? i'll jus keep hearing and observing, how people kill themselves, slowly.

but for the guys, i guess this time u guys prove the falses the statements made about puberty. showing apathy sometimes has its rewards, certainly it has bore more fruits than jus false statements. with the exception of one, either sly or plain ignorance, indifference or jus disinterested in decisions, i applaud your courage, i applaud your opinions, though some unnecessary, proved vital sometimes, keep it up? your own opinion again im sure of.

so how much more are willing to live comfortably in the facade of their lives, maybe this is jus human behavior, an instinct embedded in us since our births. some chose to be like that while others dont. impressive.

the walls have ears, the winds whispers, and the echoes shrieks from the distance, how low will one stand jus to step up and put themselves above the rest? maybe u just be careful, because u could either be stepping on the foundation of your own comfort, or worse still, stepping on the wrong shoes. =) i'll give a smile, and i hope u understand, some things cannot be said more seriously.

fallen from grace

2008-05-19T22:05:00.002+08:00

fallen from grace. i wonder where have i left myself? i must pick myself up again. slowly and very painfully, walking down this lonely road i must.

ignorance [is] bliss.

i msut keep that composure and hard work =)
night study with the guys tomorrow.

life gotta start anew with a new discipline and a new timetable i planned for myself. time to abide by it =)

-off to mugg for h1 chem!

a year post

2008-05-13T23:18:00.002+08:00

well this is post 365 for me. well it doesnt represent a year.
i want it to feel different.

im trying my best to make things work out best for everyone, and i cannot please everyone. i really cannot please every single one of my friends out there. sometimes, it really hurts to see someone upset, even someone you hate, u jus give way. and even to those u loved, u jus cant bear to see someone, especially for me, someone on a whole, upset and really down. what can i do? IF I WERE JESUS. what would i do? if. if if. the whole world was full of 'ifs', 'buts', 'donts' and many 'go aheads' but each choice subsequently cause some conflict where it will be impossible to really satisfy everyone and everything else.

such a headache, im jus going to sleep. hopefully, things wil be better some day, this empty feeling, its always been with me, im not happy, i never was i realise.

well done man u

2008-05-12T00:24:00.000+08:00

WELL DONE MANCHESTER UNITED.

CHAMPIONS OF ENGLAD

and europe sooon. =)

rekindle what?

2008-05-11T08:31:00.003+08:00

there are times, where humans have some boundary they cannot cross, especially in their emotions, their spiritual endurance and their mental strength. maybe some have longer constraints than others, while others only have a short fuse. it totally depends what causes the tensions, to test these limitations of each human individual.

"how long can u take it? i dont know, i dont think so anymore" there goes my sign, my own grieviances, well over my last shot.

im tied down, to between my own feelings and my character, i cant leave one to dread, yet alone knowing that some people continuous hurt will relatively be in abundance. fled i ran, a few times, but always believing in some reconciliation, maybe a departure of anger and a few empty promises, things could get better. but couldnt anything go beyong surface value? i wonder, i dont see why and how i can take this pressure of doing everything i can only to be greeted by that face of unhappiness. nothing can possibly make u happy, and when ure happy u forget about me, and do things u want and like without how i feel. it cant happen, we cannot be together and im afraid u know that.

everyday, i look at u, u look sian and unhappy. ask u why its always the "nothing". even as friends u give that sort of attitude. nothing will ever work out, nothing. you need to buck up on yourself, get a freaking hold of yourself. for once, please. dont blame everything on me for making u like that. think abt day one, what makes me so tired of being there for someone who wasnt there for me. in fact, u cant be there for me because of the reactions u have. i was blind, too blind in fact to see anything. i need time now, with those friends of mine, and i know that i cannot be pulled down any longer, i wasnt myself anymore for the past 6-7 months. though the happy times, i know its over long long ago. really. i hope u find ur own happiness somewhere else and i gotta move on with my life and you as well.

dont meet me with sarcarsm, its uncalled for.

this moments i must say, is a great test to me, the A levels, nationals, personal ambitions. its all so tight and really pressurising. honestly, im breaking like no one's business, but im trying to get hold of myself. day by day, each min at a time, i need to set that mode of trying out once again different methods of picking myself up.

i dont need anyone to use me once again, i believe my heart aint no heart anymore. tattered and torn, shattered with scorn, its a heart that cannot trust, a heart that dont believe much, scratched by petty beings and left with marks of ignorance. spite it any further, and i dont know what i've become. i gave up load shits for a single shot, only to lose everything at the very end.
well well, i guess now i will have to do more to catch up with everything else for what i've lost and make up for it. i appreciate every little thing that has happened, lessons learnt and falls that left those little bruises, its worth it. moving on has always been another chapter of my life, little less foolish and a pinch wiser, God, grant me some happiness would ya? thanks.

so for how much i can take? its over and really over. because i cannot take it anymore, maybe the lesson u shuld learn from day one, why live to regret when something u want so badly is either gone or lost? im your living example.

im gonna start things off with a smile, its definitely more lasting.

off to national library to study, hopefully, mugging keeps my mind off things. dont be silly aaron dont be silly, think of nothing else but study.

mothers day!

2008-05-11T00:07:00.001+08:00

ohh its mothers dayyyy. well. gave mum sunflowers =DDD

anyway. TODAY (sunday) is gonna be a freakingly tiring dayyy. gah. gonna chiong national library with jiffsen to study till mid afternoon then tuition. WELL WEL. i guess i gotta start getting used to this life. then next week theres a track meet to take part in. grrrrrrrrrrrr. well. MUGG HARD EVERYONES! =) nights.

eyecandies can taste very sweet. dont u think jonathan? (if u see this)

cooler than the breeze

2008-05-08T21:41:00.002+08:00

i find thes weather bloody humid and rather HOT. kinda making me feeeelin sooo yucky early in the morning.

it feels so clear, that in this summer days, everything has changed.
the scene, the climate, temperature, mindset, even the heart.

i wouldnt, i couldnt, well i shouldnt.

im talkint to myself.
oh harness great efforts to be.. normal?
screw culture,
screw it all.
i have my own beliefs, more or less,
i believed in nothing else,
maybe cept GOD,
myself,
and some little reminaing faith.

shruggs. good nights. hate this freaking world sometimes.

hurrr short post 1

2008-05-08T20:51:00.000+08:00

ERM. I'LL blog later in an hours timeeee.

SICK TIRED DRAINED OMFG.

2008-05-06T23:00:00.001+08:00

I SERIOUSLY AM FEELING SO FUCKED UP.

i dont wanna care anymore. please. i dont want to care. can someone stop me from caring. GOSH PLEASE.

i've tried too many atimes. so i think, i should, well, maybe i could have some rest now.

i want to be happy. can anyone make me really happy? heal these bloody scars and never make me remember them again? another one of my wishful thinking.

how do u heal?

2008-05-04T22:57:00.001+08:00

how do u heal a broken heart?

anyone can give me an answer?

nervousness

2008-05-01T21:10:00.002+08:00

i dont get it. feeling rather restricted within some barrier. some invisible barrier. gosh. its omgwtf-ing sian. (dont think about it) i feel so horrible, like, everything i do is affecting someone's life. i wanna run away, yet i cant bear to leave a helpless soul behind. i know, its too late to apologise, and i cant accept it that way.

it bears nothing, nothing to be seen, nothing to be compared, and nothing to be ever thought and hoped for. its jus a fruitless effort of reconciliation in which the heart remains stubborn, moving on just seem the right thing to do. funny thing is that the heart can appear so freaking weak, bloody hell, it couldnt get any worse in my opinion in my own case. F*CK.

so everyday passes on like this. i seriously need to snap out of it. no one knows and no one feels, except my own bloody self. haiz. everything is jus getting worse.

ambition killer.

2008-04-29T23:06:00.003+08:00

GOSH. i have such an ego problem with my own abitions. quiet but im becoming quite radical about it.

10 things im feeling.
1.) PISSED
2.) FRUSTRATED
3.) ANGSTY
4.) ANNOYED
5.) SATISFIED
6.) CHOCOLATE CRAVINGS
7.) PIMPLE HATING
8.) HOMEWORK DREADING
9.) PAIN
10.) CONFUSED

okokok. why why why huh!?!?!?!?!?!
firstly 1, 2, 4, and 9, is due to my injured. PLEASE PLEASE everyone PRAY FOR ME. im such a loser seriously because im big and clumsy and really in need of some miracle to recover in time for sports carnival an a competition coming up on the 17th of May. apparently, its really an occasion where i can test my own abilities. in which matters alot to me especially in my own physical challenge and hope for a better achievement in my tootpicking. BUT ALL THESE PAIN. it jus sucks when the groin pains come back, both sides now, its seriously.. SUCKS. im sososo annoyed! then had a cut on my big toe yesterday. GAHHHHHHHHHHHH PAIN. and today WORSE. i wore this really smaller pair of socks. and it caused my veins in my left feet to swell because it seems to be cramping everything up. GAHHHH! im such a sympathy wanting person. BUT I NEED PRAYERS!!!!! hopefully i recover. i wanna run and walk and erm. move around smoothly. i remembered i was in crutches once. hohoho. dont remind me.

im ANGSTY with my GP teacher. i think she sucks. I HATE her. but well. tolerance. i dont care, i dont give a **** seriously. i jus do what i think will be right and i let ur old self believing blabbering mouth talk all the cock all the world it wants. blah blah blah. (FUXOFF). (shall not say anymore) MRS SNG U JUS SPOIL MY FREAKING DAY.

5 and 6. =) yesyes., IM CRAVING FOR SO MUCH CHOCOLATES HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! omg. i eat many many cadbury and van houtan chocolates amany. i think thats why it leads to the ANGSTY (again) and pimple hating factor. its HEATY! i swear, but i love it. maybe its stress ^ ^. excuses ahh aaron.

okok for the homework dreading factor. common in JC life. so anyone who reads this. u guys will totally understand.

CONFUSED EHHH yesyes i am. but i shall leave my thoughts to ponder for awhile. those few moments make me so lost in transition between reality and a "what would be" situation. i guess everything will be fine. (but what is it) shant say too much about it.

my heart needs time to heal,
my heart needs time to feel,
my heart so numb so real,
my heart i believe so frail.

carry on those spite,
of different dimensions of right,
but i promise i'll bear with it,
if u would compromise.

i wouldnt dare,
i wouldnt try,
im scared,
im dried.

i really wouldnt wanna try anymore. that L word. its sacred. only God feels that way towards me. im terribly upset, sigh. i hope that L word goes away from me. far far away. am i hiding? am i running away? i dont know. dont wanan talk abt it. good nights.

till it rises

2008-04-28T23:08:00.003+08:00

its been pretty hectic, surrounded by the irresponsibilities of many. yet, my enthusiastic attempts became the laughing stock to much of the amusement of others. clear stupidity. to prove a point? jokes aside, when childish behaviour speaks so ill of you. dont try to be funny. it isnt. =)

sometimes, a spark aint enuff to rekindle even the loneliest hearts, where the undefiled few come triumph into darkness, that bright light could only last a moment, maybe a glimpse. but as soon as its gone, it will never come back again, as is disappears faster than you could ever imagine, like everything else, its real.

despite wars, there are times for peace. let it start now, once again.
dont let me play folly please, i dont have much friggin time. good nights.

cant feel it rewind

2008-04-27T16:10:00.002+08:00

cant feel it man. till u get the rewind.

ohhh mrs sng. ure gonna be the biggest bitch i've ever know on this earth if u carry on being like this. and u cant stop the delinquents. they'll jus be in your face.

/edit!

okay im gonna sleeep and yes yes some food for though.

i think star gazing is nice.
i think love takes many tries.
i think gambling is jus plain vice.
i think blue tells the world suffice.

i dont understand this unexplainable feeling, this weary thought. frustrating. complex? *pffft* i wonder how this sounds like. i wish for a fruitful week ahead. i jus want to recover from this injury and hope i can get a good run this friday! 2nd may yay! but no yay! cuz its like MAY. shit la. A's is like.... (not gonna say). gonna keep the lips seals, though the mind keeps running. my thoughts are all fumbled up now. thats all i have to say. good night.

stressed unnnecessarily

2008-04-24T20:37:00.003+08:00

i dont understand, i really dont at all. nothing gets into my head, nothing, i cant understand human behaviour, its complicating and definitely cruel.

foolish i was, stupid i've become, i'm outplayed, everytime.

in the world where my questions can never be answered,
in my path where each stone left me curious,
why on earth i make so many stupid mistakes,
tearing apart each vein within me, all over again.

why did i believe in trust, trust that i could get,
was it wrong to feel this way?
was it my fault that led to this failure.
curse, curse this seriously bad luck.

its over i know from so long ago,
but i knew i kept trying,
i tried another method,
but, i guess i was too practical.

i dont feel like moving,
neither do i feel, like i can take it,
its so numb, yet so painful,
i hate it.

i dont wanna think anymore, really, i jus have to suck everything in and tell myself to be more careful in future, i really dont deserve this, from the very beginning, if only u had a mirror to look into it yourself, u may know how i feel. this is the one of the worst moments of my life, i jus have to carry on.

School is tiring, im really trying to study and put in a little more effort each time, but im struggling and struggling and struggling. anyone wanna study with me? haha. i feel like i've lost many things, the much sacrifices i've made. i realise im not myself, i wasnt myself, i was too serious too soon, too serious for someone who didnt really know my real intentions. its a bloody was of time, and i must get back that time. i have my priorities now, i hope, i can get everything back on track and running, hopefully once again, i can see the sun and smile to myself and say, "im really happy."

why is my table getting all sorts of drawings and liquid paper!?!?!?!?!? gahhhh. history week, pls past fast, i nid to get on with other subjects, im dying for math and chem. argh.

boy oh boy with injuries.

2008-04-20T11:51:00.002+08:00

ohhh boy! everyone seems to be getting some sort of injuries somehow. vincent got a bad hamstring, francis got a little archilles problem as well as me. the shoulders hurting and the groin is hurting again. i guess tough trainings also meant that we should learn some physiotherapy ourselves. gahhhh. i hope everything goes well. lucky the javelin event today is postponed to about a month time. my distance is horrid! nothing more than 42 metres and consistantly at the 38 metre mark. this is bad. real bad. i guess its time of the year to shrug the pain away! train with the pain, isnt that what sportsman must live up with all the time?

glad that i've gone jogging today, it feels great, moving those legs. i wonder that abrupt weight loss with the help of those raw oysters, it made me lost so much strength. mentally, it affected me, physically, it makes me feel like, i've to start all over again. its difficult when its throwing, its the strength thats so hard to develop, and when u lose it, its harder to get it back than running of long distance. sucks i swear.

okok, so intensely, its gonna be more physical workout through games, some endurance training so i can last longer in trainings, building up muscular endurance so as to perform more consistently for a longer period of time. and of course, back to the gym which seems so foreign to me now.

OH YES, the weather is pretty bad nowadays, its like either damn freaking HOT (rarely) or raining during training periods. it sucks. really bad though. and im looking forward to sports carnival! hahahaha. its like some R&R thingy, play games and run. i think its fun. maybe i jus nid to play more to lose more weight and look better. but i still think, if anyone were to see me last time, u'll all laugh ur asses off.

okay so everyone please recover soon mates, vincent especially. and GOD BLESS MY history assignment that im gonna start in 10 minutes time..... =)

pissed with...

2008-04-17T22:14:00.002+08:00

im so pissed with myself. im not happpy. im trying im trying im trying. till its so numb, till it feels like im ruining my life.

im trying almost everyday, each time to keep on trying and trying this stupid password, but i cant, i cant, i hate myself, its so bloody stressful. i really am trying, i feel stupid, i feel so pressured. i reall cannot take it anymore, i jus wanna be happy. i cant. i cant anymore. im stupid, my mistakes, everything. im so pissed, fuck la, dont wanna forgive me then forget it, im jus so useless.

HAIZ

2008-04-13T23:58:00.001+08:00

im distraught. im distraught.... i cant remember.

i hate myself

2008-04-13T22:03:00.001+08:00

i hate myself. for losing frustration. leave me be. im sorry. why must emotions be so complicating? i did something stupid to hurt u.

ure being jus the bitch.

2008-04-13T17:43:00.004+08:00

everyone was right abt u, i shouldnt have believed in you. i should have trusted my friends instead.

so girls are jus out to have some fun? why are all of them the same? out to cheat and make use of? i hate sore losers who dont admit their mistakes, to always be sacarstic and unforgiving, not being able to understand and feel for the other, unable to compromise and sacrifice. i cant. i realy cant. i dont wanna live a lie. i have to move on. and so i will.

truth about love

2008-03-13T23:38:00.001+08:00

love comes in different ways. and different ways to show it. and i know, this is the best way for us. =) u'll always have a place in my heart. everyone has as well. if only we can put pride before on the ground, we'll be able to see it.

its great. i know it will be.

what it takes to be 5 five 5

2008-03-10T08:19:00.003+08:00

theres more than the stars in the sky to shine, that is the impossible reach of the far ends of the universe. we left the red horizen, feeling lost and empty, feeling what had happened to go wrong this way, yet we also understood the situation, where the outcome is inevitable. we could see it coming, but never wanted it, in the end, its a matter of a million heartaches, for jus a single soul. this is your first struggle, but my amany. its not about immunity or complacency, but of deepened scar. for pain wakes the sleeping giant within, bringing out a a whole new dimension of reality and feelings. cruel and heartless i may seem, but hate me for that, hate me for this time for bringing everything to an end, abruptly you may say, but thats in your point of view. whatever you may say again, but if you truely felt the pains of loving, you'll smile instead and wont be living a life of materialistic denial.

today would haf been fantastic five, a whole new world and a whole new drive, but yet im stating the impossible. no matter what, i know how it feels like, to think that everything is gone before you, to think that everything has ran before you, and to think that everything dont feel as right. maybe u just had to feel it, to appreciate me more, but also, you may not feel a thing due to you difficulty to do so. curse me or swear upon my name, i know this destruction will bring an abundance of burning hatred in you, apparently, your ignorance doesnt see it like everyone see so. rage rage rage and more rage, if u feel like hitting something, if you feel like screaming out loud, if you feel so lost and desponded, welcome to how i felt, when i loved an cared a little more, for sometimes, love is found when u realise you lost it.

something for you...

sweet indulgance for the bitter times,
satisfactory always seem so distant,
its always good to feel love,
has it been great to love instead?

lessons may have to be learnt painfully,
for similar hardships have to be beared.
it wasnt about a vengeful spite,
but jus a little more than a deadful ache.

i pray to my angel,
to send god a request,
but albiet my efforts,
it was to no avail.

then i realise that he replied me,
brought me to my feet once again.
told me that, i had to love myself,
and find myself a path, alone.

you may seem like the most impacted,
and tears refuse to make you lonely.
please dont, please dont,
for believe in the last few words i've said.

this dream i held so tightly,
shattered before my very eyes,
why?
due to the decisions of the fragmented heart.

everything will never be the same,
but you have to know,
it was out of desperation,
to save a bond forged for a lifetime.

somewhere, sometime, somehow,
we need that little faith to see,
how much patience we have come to thee,
and you'll know, youre being loved.

have a great day, my special someone, life is jus going on, like it has to.

god damned day.

2008-03-09T22:26:00.002+08:00

in fact its a day before a significant 5th,
the giant fell, broke his nose and laughed,
i guess it was worth the fall,
because the next step could have been more fatal.

today has been super slack, actually, its more of sleeping and playing games, cuz tomorrow its gona me muggggggerism plus studddddyism and trrraingingingigning! obviously i dont like to push myself, nah... thats a lie.

why throw tandrums when we are not satisfied? or why do we show our temper when we are in contentment. its foolish and really stupid, to criticise those false judgement of ours, especially when we had so much faith in one another. oh glory to those not of lesser status, i beseech that u grant me jus a little more perseverance. thats sufficient i guess.

"drive the wicked to the grave,
but a sinner could be forgiven,
even it was at his very deathbed,
cleanse but not is original sin.

mother bears the child from dust,
in gloom and despair the world he face's a must,
was it a blessing we get to live,
or a curse we face till death deceive.

satan reign i know is only temporary,
hate is his only weapon,
for our sins strengthens his armour,
wretched souls like us his victims."

we are so young, we wont ever grow old, let love live itself, through the different ways we perceive it to be.
tomorrow will be a new day, there'll be love out there, dont nid to open your eyes, just open that lil heart of yours.

woaaah

2008-03-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

well well. numb.

long time

2008-02-24T22:47:00.002+08:00

havent blogged in a kazillion ages.
pffffft. life stinks.

-end of post-

okay get things more real here, well, school is getting more onto my nerves now, its like im being held captive, both body and soul, neither divided nor part, both in unision. oh sorrow please go away, for u i never wanted you to stay.

apparently, much have happened, much have been felt, gone thru, decided, pondered upon, whatever it has been like. it has.

"it was never so strict,
or was it so restricting?
over those silly statements and misunderstandings,
sleepless nights over wrongs of rights.

but i always remember then,
self sacrificing meant an action of forgiveness,
humility and grace,
but theres something i see, something else.

i couldnt,
i wasnt the perfect man for the job,
but it was never a duty,
just to be a better man.

written all over my face,
an expression so vague,
all i could show was sincerity,
those scars unamended.

so was it about giving you room to breathe?
or was it when the ropes were held too tight?
was it revenge?
or was it fate like this?

answers i sought till today,
questions in the end was bought.
broken moments jus doesnt make my day,
sigh, nothin else i could say.

i jus want to feel that special feeling,
please,
and i know ure the only one baby,
i love you, now thats for me to say."

gonna sleep now.

sweets happy 3 months

2008-01-09T22:22:00.000+08:00

=) my thoughts my memories. 3 months will be 3 years and it will be 3 decades and to inifinity, it will be. so now now wongminhang baby =) sit down and listen tight <3

its been a great 3 months

i wish there was something inside me,
to keep you right beside me,
it made me felt that i should haf told you
that i should have told u everything.

and i didnt regret, this very moment,
about 3 months ago,
and i hoped for more than the sounds ot rustle
my thoughts they filled and they muscle.

no one can ever take your place,
because i felt that i've started this race,
where it be simple or not,
the complications inevitable we sort.

i feel like the skies darken without any light,
and i wish i can make it bright for you,
like how sarcastic i was to die for you,
what if those words i meant so true?

and we may feel like its broken,
or without will to compromise,
but would u let me in once again?
so that i can rekindle that spark to flame.

so its all about igniting that spirit,
where we once was so in love,
and i try so hard to make u mine,
wondering whether is that the solution?

but im not content to make this a memory,
to hold us so tight in slavery,
but i try once again i said,
ever so faithful ever so hard.

so i see the shadows that live with us,
our actions which are always imitated,
our sins which commit may be forgiven,
but all we needed was some time right?

deep inside a battle is being fought,
sinking slowly, miserably and terribly,
conscience sucking itself dry,
where pain never subsides at all.

but u know what i mean when we are put to the test,
even so the matter may not even rest,
my love never ever gone one down less,
because baby girl in my eyes ure the best.

so ever i felt like being dragged down,
or feel like giving up,
thats only normal and expected of us,
and obstacles which obstruct our way.

so now i close my eyes and think of you,
and i see you for who you are,
and when ure all alone and not with me,
trust that i'll be your superman baby.

so here goes my heart content...

so i jus want to let you know,
that it doesnt matter so much,
to whatever happens to me,
let me be your hero.

let me take this step,
to show that i will work even harder,
to push myself to my limits,
to know that sincerity will win over all.

so let me sing u this song,
which lyrics may see some heartaches,
but i believe in fairytale endings,
definitely happy endings.

so i can take this responsibility,
and further this commitment,
and i will take it a step further,
nothing else you know bother.

and i remember now,
like what was before we got together,
i've already loved u all along,
and i promised not to let you down.

and when those tears falls right now,
it left my heart with nothing else to say,
but if only sorry was the words i would say,
it was because i was so afraid.

i love those lovely kisses,
even so the times it hurts when i got bitten,
but it speaks of the sweet imperfection,
that exists in love.

so i'll hold u closely,
and kiss u so tenderly,
oh my sweet baby,
would you do the same too?

let me tell you this again,
because its all this that matters to me now,
no matter what happens,
where emotions rage in fury.

or even when depression kicks in,
or the breakdowns which left scars,
even so when sorrow strikes,
or temper flew.

words are words to say what human nature cant comprehend,
to misunderstand aint no common mistake,
because baby ure aint no mistake to me,
i love you dearly, for eternity.

happy 3 months =) every 10th goes treasured.

i wish u knew how much u mean to me
if i ever will make a difference,
because i wish i'd,
and not only now but in the future as well.
u mean everything to me,
how i wish i know how i can show it.

upset and all?

2007-12-23T08:34:00.000+08:00

have been real busy guysss. sorrry!

a note to myself.

sometimes i wonder what i've done wrong, but i was certain to an extent i've did my best. it was always my fault to begin with. truthfully, i dont know how to go on anymore. the scene now is rather skeptical. everything i do, it seems like nothing can be accepted.

cant you change for the better? cant i say how i feel. maybe in fact, its more scary to tell u how i feel because u will change negatively for the rest of the day. but this isnt suppose to be like that. i wonder why. why must u sulk and show that attitude? it hurts so badly. but what can i say, showing ur temper made things worse and leads to a quarrel that u dont like. so whose fault is it to begin anyway? mine? well. if u always say so. i always take the blame. sigh.

i wanna hold on, i dont know why, but why must u do this to me? its no use saying anything else, everything is jus noise to ur ears it seems. forget it

wont be blogging much

2007-11-29T22:24:00.000+08:00

hey peeps. wont be blogging much for the rest of this month and very early next month. well..

feeling pretty moody i guess. but it will be fine sooner or later yeah.

i hope time flies. feeling the pain and hurt now, its enough. come back sooon

argh

2007-11-16T08:27:00.000+08:00

its frustrating to know that u can do the questions for the math sup paper. but its like something is missing in the question that deprives u from getting that final equation for tht mark. i only think i deserve to minus the most 15 complete marks. because theres so little time to pump in my math knowledge. however it feels so screwed up sometimes, knowing that there is so much to do. but the rest, i could do it, surprisingly yes. but i guess confusion sets in sometimes and setbacks like this will prevent u to get your full marks. bleah.

now i look at it, those once easy questions in other school papers were made so difficult. i was shocked and pretty stunned when i couldnt do and blamed no one else but me for not doing those questions too much. all i need is 45 out of 100. sounds like a simple chore. thats whats everything is most scary about. i really hate it when u tried so hard and dont get the result. but i know i must do wel in it. 3pm today, the results will be out, it will be heartbreaking to see those results. but i want to be relieved instead and enjoy my holiday. like i see it this way, whats over is over, and all i can look forward now, is today and tomorrow and what comes after and what lies in the future.

im glad i've got you by my side, and i hope i make everyday like it was my last. =)

sup paper!

2007-11-14T08:40:00.000+08:00

sorry peeps for not bloggging ehhh. have been really busy with CIP and mugging for sup paper. wells. i will update after tomorrow! =)

it feels like the sup paper more important than the 4 papers in promos. HAHAHAHA.

owellls. gotta head down to school now. BYEBYE!

<3 thanks sweets for the breakfast later =)

oh cooliios

2007-11-05T22:56:00.001+08:00

im beginning to feel rather empty. its like PW IS OVER. relieve. but no stress. i mean. well. no work, i wish the days are more meainingful. its those expectations of the world feeling? luckily i had u by my side. =) i had a good nap today. i did.

oh and pls cook for me more often, it tastes great. really. =)

PW IS OVERRRR! CHINESE IS OVERARRRR! now its math sup paper. okay. mercy i tell you. mercy. mugg hard pass it and go on. mugg hard somemore so next year, can relllaxxxxx la dey =) sleep sleep. its tiring and really reallyl sleeepishhhing.

dont ever

2007-11-05T00:45:00.000+08:00

dont ever pls. dont do that again.

dont leave me. never ever. please.
it hurts sometimes it hurts many times. it hurts forever.
but i will never give up.

angerrrrrr munugumunt.

2007-11-02T23:02:00.000+08:00

sigh it gotta be hard to control sometimes.

its some management in those insecurities based on trust and insignificantly based on that hopping bean that lay dead on the table. "grow grow" showers or sprinklers shall bring it to life. cold and still, it laid, still unmoved by anyone's actions. what to do, its just a bean that has always been. dont make sense? what ever makes sense if we choose to remain our own own perceptions, or rather, we remain simply stubborn to our pt of views. irritable? questionable.

i wish i can get the trust over her,
to let her know i aint no ordinary typical,
that i wont be just something stagnent,
but always proving myself.

but whats for show aint for real,
whats for real is the show,
complicating matters somehow,
we'll take it slowly with a bow.

accepting defeat aint the early task,
for i shall understand the lowly rumble,
where the supreme class shall slowly crumble,
can she see it in me, just me?

so wold straight As get u somewhere,
or rather achievements in another field,
what impresses to those who judge,
i aint judgemental, oh totally not.

hold thy hands into the air,
praying for that miracle,
praying for that blessed grace,
or it will be another nightmare.

carefully we come undone,
secretly we hide a plot,
only two you say it shall be,
anything more we wont accept within.

just you and me,
heck what everyone's will say,
it doesnt matter anymore,
just u and me forevermore.

hard to please me aye? its simply... those actions that makes the difference. appreciation takes time to accomodate self giving-ness, hope for the best then i shall say to myself, hope for the best.

so much

2007-11-01T23:36:00.000+08:00

so much to do so much to worry abt. chinese is over. now left PW's OP and sup paper. gosh. im really very worried. i guess i gotta pull thru.

the anxiety is feeling over me now, each moment tears my insecurities into two, however its like bacteria and parasite, it spreads viciously, but no matter what, that love jus likes to play immune to it.

i hope everything will be fine, god i pray, pls. i do and i know it, please answer those prayers of hope and faith, i gave myself one chance, why cant u lord. please.

okok i shall sleep very soon, and im tired. but i must wait and stay vigilant, i need to hear from you soon my dear.

rocky road affair

2007-10-27T23:38:00.000+08:00

its been awhile since i really blogged, well, have been really busy.

its really been full of ups and downs, its really disappointing and upsetting sometimes but sometimes it felt happier and full of smiles. i wonder why such a past will kill your faith now, its entirely disgusting of me, bear with me awhile okays. =)

i feel so sick sometimes, wondering why i deserve these hardships. it felt that i've been waiting so assure myself so much that new and harsher problems comes up to make matters worse. i cant possibly count everything as a blessing in disguise. i dont think its possible, it makes it seemed really disappointing now that i've to bear with even more problems in this life of mine. so much to think about and many more to worry. why have i have to be so young. its really disappointing that my efforts go to waste sometimes, but not regretted i believe that oine day i will be rewarded greatly. sometimes i felt like im on cloud nine, sometime its worse than hell, but why? why must i get to this stage of it all? havent i suffered so much already? i guess its life this way, but soon please, god, please, appease me soul. soon. please.

u cant complain forever, and doing something about it is more important, but it does seems that i need to trust in my own way, matters would be better, but all i need is to know what is going on all the time, thats all.

math paper math paper. but wait! PW AND CHINESE As stand in the way. okay. aaron be a good boy and pls survive well. 2 more days to the chinese paper and 9 more to the OP. great. and and and hmmmm 15+4. gosh 19 more days to math paper. OKOKOKOK NEED TO MUG BYEBYE

over?

2007-10-25T23:41:00.000+08:00

i hate that old hag in school. shes a bitch. she speaks chinese. and shes going yun nan. old hag. i tel u now. i curse ur whole family and ur descendants, well if u have them anyway. die a horrible death.

and seriously. its a fucked up life.

i guess 8 days will be forever. i wasnt naggy when i kept asking u to think abt it, because, i knew this would happen.

fiercesome rivalry

2007-10-22T22:05:00.000+08:00

to care to share to what we perceive our own darkest hour we commence what we believe in.

oh dear boy of satan, denounce you shall for thee,
you will never succeed for thy servant shall see,
the works of wonders and the almighty,
blessed thou who have faith, for they shall be saved.

so if u wonder if this shall be my weakness placed in words for you to read, let me say that it may be. for those who ponder upon my daily life where i shall depict my actions into words for the deprived, so that does show you even bother to give a freaking damn about it. im appalled by this controversial behaviour. lose your cool and frustrate the steam within you, it'll only make you a better person in time to come. and theres no limit to how far you can go, but theres a limit to how much you may endure, we are only human, though we chose to believe that we are not. tricky eh? what if the simplest things we let go have been forgiven and unforseen, dont we realise that we trial so much in our lives to make up for what we couldnt do? believe in yourself a little, maybe God will understand why, for the wise seeks and the fool shall be satisfied, neither is approach the understatement of the truth you seek, but eventually, ure just condemning your own faith. sorry boy, you tried to get me figured out, but ure just losing it, only time will tell, and you know it more than i do. thats when you realise, theres nothing else, but a little humility and not acting cool. thats the difference, we know the motives, its stated clear, mend your ways, or face the consequences. the spiriit refuses to acknowledge much, reason is, you cant handle more than you ask for. think about it, i know you will. =)

dear juliet, romeo wont wait longer,
give the kiss that he wants so badly,
grant the wish he demands so sadly,
but for that, dont live to regret.

he wont,
she wont,
they wont,
so who will?

dont just sit and hold ur breath,
waiting for the sun to shine again,
you might just be a nightfall too late,
that of course was discussed and said.

live to love and love to learn,
love aint exactly getting you into bed,
whats more with passion without love?
trust me genuinly.

i speak from mere innocence,
like a child who would not falter,
unlike the adult with his own theories,
endless possibilites shed no answers.

so i came to you,
true to myself,
and i believe the very least,
this decision was not a mistake.

you make me smile everyday, yet we may face certain obstacles along the way, jaded we may feel, thats how we got stronger daily.

boring

2007-10-21T12:15:00.000+08:00

omg. pw sucks la. sup paper sucks also.

gotta mug hard for chinese As and Mathematics supplementary paper. i feel like im gonna fail again which i cannot afford to. i hope they set a moderate paper. i reallly need to go up.

and PW. gosh. its time consuming and brain cracking. its a nutshell not to be messed with. owells. now im at victoria's place with the grp ppl. please GOD, please, may we get our act on and work done.

i hope we wont be seperated for that 8 days. i cant take it

fuked up

2007-10-19T19:33:00.000+08:00

its such a fucked up life. ohwells.

i dont like to hear those silence anymore, please, open what i sought, i dont have much time left inside, im reallly running dry, cuz im giving everything i've got.

and now im still waiting... waiting for u to come online as usual. owells. im seriously frustrated, disappointed, demoralised, numb, espcially numb. and it sucks like seriously. it taking such a toil on me with such feelings i dont wanna feel. why do i feel this way? i question myself why, and why i shall keep questioning myself. i feel like im going thru is all alone. those time i spent trying to make it work, was it all in vain?

im beginning to wonder what am i running on now? my last ounce of blood left in my heart? or is it just the last strand of faith i had in me. its really running so thin right now. do something to salvage it, i dont have much time left. dont expect much, because i think i've gave enough, fill me in this time, please, give me the strength instead, and i swear i'll be up and better again. hopefully.

fucked up china trip. bitching that the j2s are going as well. bunch of motherfuckers. i swear, ure spoiling my day entirely now, fuckers, and if the teachers are discriminating those whose chinese aint good, then please, fuck off.

it was never a win win situation. things wont work out for this event. all i can do it, to pray, that i can hold on. hopefully.

gahhh rah rah!

2007-10-18T22:34:00.000+08:00

nothing beats knowing that u love me and i love you tooo.

its sweet.
and its getting sweeter by the day

nothing... nothing makes me smile more than you.
you just make me love you more daily,
and that, is a good thing. hahahaha! =)

woaaD?

2007-10-17T22:51:00.000+08:00

what what what? this is a rather confusing post. but baby u'll understand.

although we may quarrel, i'll never think of giving up.
although we may fight, but i'll give in anytime.
but this is a process of growing up,
and i didnt force anything upon us,
and i want to let you know i'll be patient through it all.

u must tell me everything, assure me about everything.
dont make me find out on my own, because it will shock me,
tell me, about why i shouldnt feel insecure,
and i promise i wont be anymore,
for i love you its all that i care for.

theres nothing more painful than to see you cry,
because it hurts so much more inside,
and i have to b strong for you me dear,
and to protect you without any fear,
remember my dear, i never though about any end.

everything i do i have your best interest at heart,
and theres nothing i want to do to make you sad,
and i know that in time to come,
everything will be sufficient,
dont give up my dear, im still loving you.

time flies when we are together,
i hope one day time will slow down for us,
and i'll be reallly happy,
though the past is the past,
i'll make everything perfect for you.

what more can i do to say that i love you?
what more can i say to make you feel that i do,
just trust your heart and follow it my dear,
and love me without a moment of fear,
i'll do the same, this i promise you.

impossible it seems sometimes along the way,
but i know god didnt make it seems so hard,
because we chose to instead to be stubborn,
however i know that im here for you,
tell me darling, tell me when you need me to.

so thats all i have to say for now,
i love you is all that matters to me,
the future may seems bleak at times,
but i know whatever the outcome may be,
my feelings will stay true all the time.

you got my word. i love you

goshhhh. finding that stuff can be a real menance. hahahhah! sheesh.

sup paper please! i hope i get them.

however

2007-10-16T21:59:00.000+08:00

though the day seem bad, it always end with a smile. iloveyou.

im petty

2007-10-16T18:02:00.000+08:00

im such a pettiful bastard. i dont know why im expecting so much. im sorry.

why even when im angry,
i feel so sad for myself,
is it so hard to be upset with you?
is it so hard to get angry with you?

i know i've tried too hard,
but i jus wished you love me a lil more,
and to show that u miss me,
am i just a 7 to 4 boy?

i start to think if my efforts will make a difference,
cant you see what im showing is that i miss you all along?
cant you feel that i need you all along?
because if i felt that way, i'll be assured.

i have to be fussy sometimes,
because it only makes me more sure,
and its out of pure concern,
that i may seem so irritating.

im frustrated and im angry,
cant you take a lil more initiative,
because it reflects how much i mean to you,
for now, i dont think i seem much at all yet.

sigh, it should be a two way thing,
if you dont seem to show it to me,
how can i trust to leave you alone,
knowing that you'll only be thinking of me?

why do i say i love you?
kiss you on your ear,
maybe a lil round the neck,
dreaming of such desires maybe?

i wish i can get that surge of affection from you,
maybe just the same like i do,
because i cant take it,
the love i have for you.

is it so hard?
to just full use your feelings,
not your head at all?
because it will make an entire difference.

so where will you make the stand,
to show that initiaitive im wishing for,
because it means soo much to me,
and it will hasten the cure for this insecurities.

but each time you dont,
it makes me feel you dont care,
and i get more worried,
and i tried to do even more.

i dont wanan run on high,
but in reality it was all a lie,
and its just draining me dry,
it hurts to question myself why.

oh wells. nothing is perfect in this world. nothing is perfect. i guess imperfection in its sense is perfect, but i need a little more than that.

sometimes i dont mean what i say, i get so frustrated, i dont know what i should feel, i really dont, please dont make me feel this way.

action reaction it seems,
where my heart used to beam,
why does hope always look so dim,
sigh, love's unsound it seem.

i hate it when i dont get as much in return,
but love is all about giving,
and nothing for receiving,
but i cant go on without removing the doubt.

ok fine i shall wait for it to happen,
i hope you just make me smile all the way,
because im really soft inside,
and you know i am, especially with you.

make me feel at peace with myself soon,
for im agitated,
greatly and disappointed with everything,
sigh, expectations arose.

the results are out.

CHEM : U
MATH : U
HISTORY : S
ECONS : E
GP : E
CHINESE : E

owellls. i hope i get those sup papers. hopefully.. hopefully.

ohh what a wonderful day

2007-10-15T23:18:00.000+08:00

hahahahahaha. today was a great day =) nothing else can comprehend.

vacuuming and moppping the floor has never been so fun. maybe whats before and after though. hahaha! oh and yes, 4 STARS =) dont say there werent any reminders.

tomorrow's timetable gonna suck, real badly. but i shuldnt be skipping school cuz its a test of discipline and sincerity in this school right now. i guess math math math and histhisthist and econeconecon and chem (arrhh scrape chem). to practise. i suppose its gonna be a busy holiday. =) of course, you will be my priority.

words i hear i took for granted,
but dear my dear it meant it well,
that i'll stick to you like bee to the honey,
oh sweet sugary coating and icing on the cake,
a test of my abilities that it wont be fake,
remember i'll do anything till the end,
because i really do love you that u must comprehend.

shrieking from the hallows in the woods,
a far cry came bellowing the shallow fools,
but those who came they took this chance,
i did my part and never regretted a single run,
its been shaky but thats what made us strong,
natural obstacles whose solutions might take long,
i'll stay holding your hands till those nasties are gone.

sweet are those kisses you grant upon me,
thy gentle touch you bewitch them on me,
but everything we know we welcome some darkness,
for our eyes are close everytime it tingles,
you sent me high high high up above,
where i could overshadow my insecurities with assurance,
and i know for all, you're my desire.

words couldnt depict what i could feel right now. all i know is that. iloveyou

fuck fuck fuck i hate myself.

2007-10-14T21:17:00.000+08:00

sigh. living up those dreadful days. i beg for forgiveness. your highness, when did i ever deserve you for this i swore a different homage i pay to you.

im a pessimistic skeptic unwilling to make a cahgne for himself, unable to let go, because he knows best for himself, nothing will ever work out if he keeps going on this way. his heart is shattered, tormented, dismembered and torn apart. dont you know?

he who lost all his faith,
he who lost all he could give,
he who lost all the love he could give,
he who lost all the time in the world,
he who lost all his chivalry,
he who lost his shining armour.
he who made do with an empty heart,
he who made do with a shattered soul,
he who made do with a torn belief,
he who made do with his poorness,
he who made do with a scarred body.
he who gave everything to be betrayed,
he who gave everything to be lied to,
he who gave everything to be fooled,
he who gave everything to be cheated,
he who gave everything to be mocked at,
he who gave everything to be hurt.
what do i have left?

i give,
i gave,
i'll be giving
till i run dry.
i might have been dried already.

i gave everything i have left, even if it was a little bit, it was everything i've got. and that, i could never had lied about. i've nothing left.

sigh. it was my fault from the very beginning. im losing myself i losing myself im losing myself. everything everything omg. i cant take it.

something stupid. bye aaron.

ohhhh dear oohhhhh

2007-10-14T20:25:00.000+08:00

how can everyday feel great when ure worrying about results and promotion. i think singapore jc education sucks. with the army. argh. it sucks even more big time, especially for guys. its damn stupid i think, i think its even more hilarious this time thinking abt retaining AGAIN. gosh. i feel that good effort and time investment dont pay off. i mean, theres always another year from now but i know i will make the better use of it this time, and im freaking freaking sure i'll do well at least. and its so bloody irritating when the grades dont deliver. awesome waste of time.

on the other hand.

its super sweet of my favourite girl and to spend the day with her yesterday =) hahahaa. ohhh yes, my one is worse than your two. its super saddening. next time i throw a cat at you. HAHA. =)

today was boring la. went to church with sister then met nat and played pool. Nat totally owned my ass. =D owells. KUDOS TO HIM LA. then i home and eating aint exactly a good thing to do when ure stress, fat makes u more stress. =) so its more jogging ^.^

dont worrrry.

sugary icing on top of the chocolate cake,
yummy yummy its such a fattening intake,
well gorging to our maximum,
i'd enjoy those chomp chomp moments.

its great when the cold air could feel your skin,
when darkness surrounds so romantically,
so the spark i could clearly see in ur eyes,
couldnt you believe it how time flies.

everytime we touch,
we only want to be a lil more closer,
till those howling cries begrudges us,
those petty offerings wont kick up a fuss.

skipping steps to that solution,
this time im gonna make a new resolution,
it changed with that new perspective,
cuz in your arms you left me being a captive.

oh those sharp rapture,
you held me firmly in your capture,
those fears it comes and go like its over,
but the real good stuff i promise, i will deliever.

so on my knees i came crashing,
your kisses i love, im asking,
sweet thing of mine,
what more could i ask for?

i couldnt comprehend those mistakes i made,
but all i ask is for forgiveness,
because i know many comes from my actions,
i never thought about consequences.

i've lost everything to be with you,
and yes it was worth it dont you think?
and i've packed up my stuff like a fool,
yes that fool i'll be for you.

dont regret those words we said,
nor regret those actions we made,
for i'll be angry to see you upset,
it was all about that rightful mindset.

dont worry dont worry,
let those strong gales blow everything away,
if only it be felt in reality,
life would definitely be lived happily.

but its all about circumstances,
where application matters most,
adaptiveness determines survival,
or we will face a massive upheavel.

i've lived to regret many things in life,
but not you this time,
so i'll make it work,
just you and me in line.

so stay sweetly now,
and look atme without a frown,
everything will be alright,
those guilt i'll make up for it.

i promise u.

i've lived not to regret what i've done. i hope you wont too. because its only the beginning.

ohh i need more songs i need more songs. AND I WANT TO GO JOGGING TOMORROW MORNING. YAY NO SCHOOL. thank the muslims =) tomorrow will be a great day.

trust trust trust

2007-10-13T09:52:00.000+08:00

fallen from grace, i never knew abt the deceit of this world.

i need to learn to trust. please. lord. give me the strength. the strength to carry on and the strength to believe that love exist. its a risk i took but i cant seem to work out on. argh. im deeply upset. im deeply worried. its for the unnecessary.

for all i know i love you. =)

sigh

2007-10-12T21:26:00.001+08:00

if i were to keep it going,

everything has to begin with me and end with me. its all a battle with myself.

tell me the secret, the remedy, to forget that a girl will ever cheat on a guy.

i wish i was better looking,
so i can turn ur head all the time,
i wish i was more interesting,
so i could be less of a bore.

i wish i was more charming,
so i can make u excited to see me,
i wish i was more popular,
so u wouldnt wan to be with anyone else.

i wish i was more sporty,
so i can impress you more each time,
i wish i was more romantic,
so you'll only love my touch.

wordsofinsecurities that never felt so real to me so suddenly

argh. sigh.

fuckfuckfuck

2007-10-11T22:01:00.000+08:00

fuckfuckfuck.

sigh. i dont know. its apparently vicious to my own thoughts and my own mind, it was corrupted, vile and destroyed, its innocence terminated of its own consciousness, where has all the goodness gone to? i hate to be able to think a little bit more, to process things differently and to get different outcomes, and it backfires so much when givin up on the idea of trusting alone. yes im trying to define the existance of my very own mind, so as to conjure up this image that could well proclaim be my reflection. something which holds truth and surely be able to accomodate more than just the satisfaction i swore to achieve this time round. its a timely struggle between mind and body, holding back those tears i almost let go, i wonder where has time played its part for me? have i gone too far ahead and expect the unexpected? or was it the trials i took and uneventfully scatter back with those heavy footsteps, breath pounding with exhaustion and regret? i need an answer, words dont suffice and actions only make some temporary relieve, if memory serves me right, this disease is uncurable.

disappointment with those every actions u made, i to make a pact with the devil that he do not get involve with this. but he refused this proposal. raking up the past and applying it to now would be the biggest mistake in my life. yet, im fortifying myself with those barriers so cold and so sturdy as if i was preparing yet again for another heartbreak. another fear appears to say, would my foolishness lead to the heartache instead? i'll think abt it more than you do.

i dont blame you at all. i dont. yet im still trying and i wasnt pretending, i remained true to my word and that was ever so long ago. i dont wan this to work out as just "another one" of those, i wanna forget everything and start anew, but what is holding me back? it was love for those before, but those scars playing so vitally in making those unnessary statements of falsehood.

spend some more time with me,
selfish i am,
demanding i am,
reluctance to share what i just acquired.

it was a test im unwilling to take,
i really aim for it not to break,
because i cannot take another heartbreak,
and im now feeling the heartache.

am i not seeing enough,
and stop stop that erratic brain of mine,
its irritating taking a dip back in time,
to come to crazy conclusions.

i love you,
i need you,
i cant let you go,
tears just run, ever so readily.

so does my girl loves me too?
so does my girl need me too?
so does my girl want to let me go?
and i know her tears meant something to me.

nothing is perfect in this world, its like those jigsaw puzzles where u just cannot complete. where giving up and cheating only builds up the confidence which lacked the credibility. that sucks, doesnt it? i honestly dont know, how much can you do to make a difference in my life, cant you take a little more initiative?

school sucks even more now, i dont know why. i dont feel like doing anything else, im losing myself really bad down hear, i need some divine intervention real quick, and if done so make it swift, if not, there wont be any time left for me. im in a dilemma, i dont believe in working hard anymore, the results aint showing, the time spent like as if its wasted all along. why is the fucking education system so fucked up in singapore? yeah fucked up explained it all. this is adding more stress to those shit im facing now, blahhh. i honestly cant take it, but well, what more can i do? nothing i guess. fucked up world.

youhavethepowertomakethingsright, evenifitwasonlyashortperiodoftime, makeitforeverwontyou?

ohh sweeet!

2007-10-10T19:12:00.000+08:00

fuck the promos result. efforts dont always pay off. and now i feel like a complete idiot trying so hard to make it yet the results dont show. i dont know yeah. saying that i didnt out in enuff and too late. i started straight after mid years. i came back to school and stayed till late to study.maybe not as effective but i did my work. slowly as i can. i dont understand why some say i slackened off when i knew i put in even more the effort. freaking bullshit la cjc.

the results aint showing and i guess showing meant the way out of the school. screw it, i wonder when does hard work pay off. its good game for me.

today was a good day. its the beginning, till death... ya know =)

feigning the ignorance many shall suffer,
inbetween us existed nothing like a buffer,
today was nothing like anything else i could remember,
it all started when u gave that sweet smile,
something i couldnt refrain even from a mile,
so darling could care to stay for awhile.

the fear i saw in your eyes this time,
though more or less time flies when we were talking,
and those gentle pecks ever hinting,
we could do nothing but wait a little more,
mightily it struck with strength and with gore,
your heart i wouldnt break neither would i tore.

like nothing when the silence appease the downfall,
heavy rain i prayed for couldnt subside anymore,
torrential rain it fell and it pour,
thy calmness i swore to you on this very moment,
in which those fingers interlocked with ease,
well, if only time could slow down and freeze.

crazy was my mind i couldnt control,
before i knew you, i was lost in another world,
where drugs and vices ruled my mind,
where smoke and drinks spoke it fine,
till u came and rescuse me from this dreadful nightmare,
and broke the curse i brought upon myself.

dipping thy feet into the unknown sea,
where the depths arents measured as suppose to be,
what lies ahead and below we hold unsure,
i'll jump in to find u my dear,
because i know it is all thats worth,
i couldnt bear this moment without you.

there are times my foolishness made you weep,
and there are times where inevitable hurt made you bleed,
but nothing hurts me more than anything else,
than to see you fallen in pain and the gush so deep,
my love i promised you i give you to keep,
wont you accept it darling wont you baby?

i didnt know what you did to me,
to make me uphold my pride and fall so deeply,
risking it all for the sake of this emotion,
but i bid farewell to everything in decision,
and i trust me own farewell and preparation,
i'll be so sure to score this distinction.

so beautiful this memory i wont forget,
because it held its own significance to me right now,
with respect i comamorade this with a bow,
and remember the little flower?
with all my pain i offer up to above,
that this time, it be all worth it.

ps:iloveyou

WOOHOO. if only i can forget this shitty feeling of going to retain. i know i tried damn hard. but wells. argh. i hope what my mum said is true, give it more time, ur efforts will come to light. i hope everyone who have faith in me will vouch for me. thanks all. =)

i know myself like i know you.

2007-10-09T21:38:00.000+08:00

today was a great day. didnt go to school. hoho. im dreading my results. but i thought it was well spent.

i freaking need new songs la. my ones are nice but its getting to bore. imagine each song hearing 300 times each. gosh!

i'll take my time with you.
coz love aint no such thing of a race,
where there need no time to set a pace,
but dear dear put that smile on ur face,
because that is what means everything to me.

i'll be your knight in shining armour,
coming round to you in zeal and valor,
i'll make every moment something u'll remember,
and each time you will cherish and savour,
my love for u just kept getting deeper.

treat each day with some optimism,
that soon you'll be ready sometime,
when your real kiss make me sublime,
only time will tell,
and that time i'll wait i shall.

feeling you so close to me,
i couldnt take it anymore,
i just had to say i love you so,
and feel your hair where each strand flow,
nibbling your ears so meekly is follows.

so enchant me with that cheeky smile,
or tease me with that wicked grin,
make me feel i debt to your sweet surrender,
because its more than surreal to materailise,
you baby, just made the temperature rise.

i hope each time before i left off home,
you make me something for me to think alone,
hoping each day it will be alright,
not always my efforts to show i've tried,
because soon in vain i may have died.

crystal clear you see through me,
i lose myself to you indeed,
and there i shall see you shine,
moving on even though i would be blind,
say those words that would make a difference to me.

whatelsewouldihavetodotomakeyouready
dont worry.

school is sian. tomorrow i hope econs will be fine. and everything else. i dont wanna make it seem so bad at all. i cannot tahan if it sucks going to school and keep wanting to skip it. it aint good. and i gotta start alot of revision for this year. i really hope i can take those sup papers. mugggg in the library i shall be. a NERD.

dont worry i shall say. im just telling u how i feel. dont get too upset abt everything else okay?

4th time dear.

2007-10-08T18:54:00.000+08:00

its been a tiring day with a horible chinese mock exam. i think it was freaking dumb. hate it.

well, screwed chemistry. im freaking disheartened and demoralised. i dont know, everything is going downhill. i dont understand, why must i put up a front and say im alright? im not after seeing the results. im happy that u passed, and only an stupid person like me to fail so freaking badly no matter how hard i try. screw it.
i cant afford a fucked up future. i wanna provide everything for you. i really do, i want everything to be fine, as long as i want it to last. i really hate it when i dont feel the same way im making you feel. and its selfish on my part to say this. it just words, and im struggling inside to show that it dont matter to me. but it does so entirely. im breaking so badly, gosh. furthermore the thought of retaining and kick out is so imminent. its not inevitable, and i know i tried. sigh. why all so suddenly, i hate this gutsy feeling. full of angst and will to commit some deceit. argh.

idontwannatalkabtresults.

sigh. i'll stil write it for u.

heavens gates they open so suddenly,
where a bright light flashed abruptly,
contentment, resentment, any understatement,
i need to feel a little more love,
even it meant praying for heaven above.

though im disappointed, im disheartened,
please make my burden alot lightened,
waiting i am patiently i stood,
i wont want to share my sorrowful mood,
it does hurts a little this time though.

i liked the way u tried to help me,
but still it proves im slow and dumb,
it feels like im all over numb,
i wish for a little more affection,
maybe some words from you sometimes.

i couldnt hide all my frustrations,
im still trying and trying a little more,
deepest of my fears i'll become a bore,
even you kept telling me not to worry somemore,
all this happened so soon, like before.

i know i promised i'll bend or break,
and this i do for my love's own sake,
please dear, whatever i give i want you to take,
even if it was that small little cake,
and i hope one day, my reward will come.

tie me down exceptionally well,
it was what happens when u clumsily fell,
deep into my feelings you dwell,
i dont know how much longer i can tell,
you'll know sooner when my love couldnt sell.

im weak and i aint strong you see,
and im waiting for the final statement assurance be,
so please darling tell me soon,
even in this empty room so cold,
i really love you, with all my heart and soul.

i wish for time to pass faster now, cuz it does hurts dont u know, but i know u are trying too. im selfish, im demanding, im useless, im everything. sigh. i wish i'd come soon. i'll try to take everything. i'll try. sorry. i'll still wait knowing it hurts so badly to reach the end. am i good enough? i hope i get an answer to this.

maybe im trying too hard, but thats just me
youknowiloveyou

school's a bore and everyone knows it. shruggs.

3rd...

2007-10-07T22:35:00.000+08:00

i had a good time today i did. =)

the silence in depth we felt,
under no pressure your hands i held,
i loved the moment i spent with you,
my words, my kisses they are so true,
my love i uphold, i'll always do.

gently i ensure that you be fine,
each word i said to secure u this time,
i cant help but feel u closer i try,
even when those efforts i have run dry,
forever it be, forever wont be a lie.

i liked it when our hands met with ease,
like breaking from a struggle into release,
now dear u've saved me from a trap,
and thank god i was almost in death's grab,
wake me up this time i couldnt even with a slap.

now tonight i knelt in prayer,
for god's compassion will come round soon,
under the starlight and the silvery moon,
even when the flowers failed to bloom,
i'll stay with you even when darkness looms.

when i know i couldnt sleep through the night,
i just thought of a simple sight,
that everyday soon u'll be by my side,
and i'll feel u so very tight,
my dear girl i'll do so with all my might.

i promise u that i'll catch u when you fall,
and i'll fight for u evne it meant a brawl,
till im weakened on my knees i crawl,
i'll hope u love me still my dear,
and hopefully the time i die.

lets say its just the beginning,
forever we got, forever no ending,
a sheepish grind i thought about a wedding,
slowly my dear, these tears still shedding,
warm it is, it was joy abiding.

town was freaking hot today, but freaking cold when im indoor. shitttto. shouldnt wear so slack in future hahaa.

tomorrow school sucks the time table sucks. but i need to study for sup papers. gosh. brother paul BROTHER paul, u better give me some chance, and i prove to u that i can make it.

2nd attempt

2007-10-06T21:16:00.000+08:00

heres da 2nd one =)

i tore the petals bit by bit,
making a choice it wasnt my feat,
because i dont rely anything to fate,
because if i do i will be too late,
my words u heard i've already said.

i miss you dear i miss you so,
when i hold your hands i wont let it go,
each time your smile it made me glow,
the rush of blood the intense flow,
i'll take it a step a time and i take it slow.

in fact my dear i dont mind the wait,
and i like the fact that we go on at this rate,
im glad that i've took my chances,
because now ure irreplaceble,
and as time pass ure even more irresistable.

its been so long since i felt so great,
i felt renew when i held your waist,
with much love i wanna protect you,
to make u secure and loved all the same,
love on it own was never to me a game.

i took my time and so i want you too,
to make u feel comfortable the way it goes,
because the genuinity is what i wanted,
love of the heart not the mind consulted,
those fear i felt have been departed.

my dreams i dreamt of you last night,
of which u showed me what your life is like,
those burden you carried throughout ur life,
my poor girl its now for a change,
i'll be there for you whatever it takes.

so now i conclude these very words,
i'll do my part to make it work,
and i'll chase u, i wont give up
fallen so deeply right into my arms,
im sure my dear, the time will come.

i'll wait for you, the comfort, your pace, cuz love aint no race. i love u

poem 1

2007-10-05T23:07:00.000+08:00

well let this be the first one =)

needless to say yet needless not,
undying my efforts i tried alot,
im feeling it im feeling it,
yet im trying to get over everything else,
my insecurities i felt in your hands.

kisses i rain,
your hands i felt,
thats sufficient to my desires are met,
but theres more i want your love so sweet,
my own i give, my heart it shall bleed.

sometimes words are just words to me,
but actions speaks more than emotions could be,
will you take my hand tonight,
closely we dream of our future see,
each step i'll bend or break for thee.

i held my hands in sweet surrender,
from the past i wouldnt render,
it was quite a long time ago,
yet my persistance showed a great reminder,
that i could finally sleep this october.

i pray each night a minute or two,
that you'll be safe from any cruel,
my wishes i want to to take care of you,
grant them please oh god of mine,
that my love materialise to be so true.

so this is the start i say to you,
my committment untested i hold onto,
but i want to tell you ill be waiting right now,
patiently and lovingly without a frown,
till the depths of the earth i'll go down.

but u promised me its something good,
and time itself proclaimed its worth,
and i swore i wont let you down,
within this week i pray in sound,
my feelings i daresay iloveyou now.

i think today was a great day? isnt it?

more than enough

2007-10-05T10:09:00.000+08:00

everyday will be different and everyday will be special.

i wish to hold your hands when we walk in the park, or along the beach and to hold u closely by my side knowing that i'll always protect u all my life my silly idiot. =P

wahhhhh nabbeiii. the more i think of it the more i think im gonna fail my exams. cheeeeeeehong. =X well. not a good sign la. preparing for supp papers. thats bad okay. BAD. argh. and hopefully i can get to stay in my class and hoho chuck may fuck off. =)

getting high on kiwi strawberry snapple. hoho. i just cant wait to buy more of those things. and OMG. i lost 2kg in 4 days. I LOVE THAT. =)

anyway t33 peeps. hope u guys enjoyed the donuts ytd. it aint free. HAHA

nightmare dream

2007-10-04T07:54:00.000+08:00

twisting and turning, over and over again. held in my hands my phone in hope of a reply. but it seems that the anxiety over my heart placed a larger role in this. the pain, excruciating, yet i do not understand why i feel this way. i dont know why. im refraining from this for over a year and now its suddenly coming tumbling over me like fallen blocs from above. i was meant to survive and learn from this mistake, but how much do i want this? im questioning myself, every single word i said, it ripped my insides, its tormenting and creating yet another painful memory. i choose to escape, to always run away, because i cannot face it, yet you dont understand what i've been through to feel this way. u dont understand that i will lose myself, i will lose everything when im with you, life aint this bed of roses all the time, even love kills to the extent that you lose your identity. eventually i question my own consciousness, where is the soul i once had which loved to live itself till dust arrives. innocence and maintaining my own chasity. screw those forbidden requests and lenghty anguishes i had in my own consequence. no i cant take this okay. i admit, weak and foolish, i cannot take another blow. for its why i did told you, a risk i would take, maybe i will never be always sure of myself. but this time, take my hand wont you? i'll defy my mentality and follow what i feel, maybe it would be worth it. i wish i had a lil more sleep. blame it on last time, i'll blame it on now, but the one to blame is myself. all along, it was just me, i choose it this way. whatever the outcome, i'll just choose to take the step back and see, i never deserved anything in my lifetime to come. maybe what nat said was right, why not stay single forever. childish comments.

i find it miserably hard waiting, like winter forever or summer sorching on my bear skin, i didnt mind the physical pain. just dont make it be felt inside, i cant make it suffice. i'm impatient. each time im left to think, nothing good comes out of it. and really, it works on an overdrive, everything fucking bullshit that happened will come into my mind, it just makes me want another puff, better if u give me some drink with it. give it to me give it to me, i really want it now. vice of humankind, luxury for easing away the hurt. it was never enough, never. in fact, its only the beginning and i think im getting wasted. all over again.

sorry

2007-10-03T23:42:00.000+08:00

im sorry. i dont deserve u. and i take back everything i said. nothing is gona work right? sorry.

but what if humility has a part to play? eventually, there will be evils around us tempting us away from what we feel. do you care less for what i am, for i will do greater deeds amongst many. swear it be different, on my part alone, for risk is what made choices more of an incentive, yet the downfalls are great, whats love to you anyway? indeed, it meant something i cant comprehand, but thou shall not falter at the sights of it, for blossoms and beauty lay ahead. in the grip of passion, boundaries will be drawn, yet the walls to perfection comes crumbling down. i love you, theres nothing more to say.

why why why again

2007-10-03T00:48:00.000+08:00

why do i feel this way. i shouldnt, i shouldnt i must not.

either u break my curse or seal it with another word.

let it

2007-10-02T10:54:00.000+08:00

let it pass like it never'd happened

you dont know

2007-10-01T21:33:00.000+08:00

u dont know dont you. i dont expect u to feel the same way, because im cursed never to be loved again.

the promised made to oneself, only you can break my promise.

i walked away,
i shone the light again,
into the tunnel,
i ventured, alone and disheartened.

so i wish i was given more options,
more choice and more freedom,
but i restricted myself,
to myself and only me.

but pls count me in,
and make it soon,
cause baby,
im trying to get over you soon.

i'll be the fool,
i'll try all ways,
but in the end,
it'll end in a daze.

i miss u now,
i really do,
after all,
it was only awhile i could prove.

so tell me then,
i mean nothing to you,
so i can give up now,
and dont give a damn.

sigh. youobvioslydontcare. provemewrong

i cry my lungs out

2007-09-30T21:14:00.000+08:00

so whats up and whats been.

feel like telling a story tht might interest me and u might not know that it will. interest me with more than just character but a little of an image. this will make me less susceptible to this headache of mine. fuck.

u wont like to know what i can do, neither what im capable of doing, all those evil deeds im ashame of. but i choose to retreat into this world of mine, maybe it just a little less painful, more pleasurable and much more efficient in its doings. but leaving everything into the maker sense a little more despair, a little more complacency and MUCH more hatred. but why? does temporary relief suffice? yes and no, i choose to always be in the wrong, so that one day, i be so condemned, i get what i want, nothing.

where were my friendly intentions?
and i dont wanna be wrong again,
i dont wanna be left with just a memory,
yet again second to none.

words of a song i sing,
phrases i praise,
anger i revolt,
frustration i show my temper.

i'll be the villian once again,
for the hero always dies,
yet in this world no perfection meant lies,
and i wait once again for saviour.

under the brightly lited sky,
i wish there were clouds,
i wish there was darkness,
maybe it was just some quiet time.

i see your face,
with every breathe i take,
its always in my head,
not missing but contemplating.

so will i wait?
the criteria is rising,
so is my blood pressure,
and all those shit inside of me.

i hear the violin playing,
i prefer that sharp sound of the blades,
the crying of the fans,
the thumping of the heart.

where has the link to love to be,
gone away like before with infidelity,
so why should i fight on for you,
like i've always used to.

move along like you always do,
for my song aint true like u hope it be,
and a fairy plays her flute with glee,
behind hid all those misery.

my hands are trembling,
those pain unbearable,
i cant handle,
i cant take it anymore.

i chose the pain cant u see it,
i chose to ignore you for real,
i choose it all upon myself,
so fuck off if you please.

another bunch of impulsive liars,
speak to me speak to me,
let me hear deceit,
sometimes its worth the false.

go on and do your thing,
strut your feathers with tattoos,
and say they werent real,
like you always do.

i wont be alone,
i know, because i got myself,
and sense my contrary,
fuck loads of it in hell.

falling faster than usual,
its nothing like more than i expected,
like before,
its leaving anothern scare.

i regret.

i dont know what to do, dont we all do things only for ourselves? of course our returns, are only for ourselves.

ill be the shiningstar, the knightinarmour, the princeandsaviour, your guardianangel and defintely someone who cares. NOT.

and to those friendster pics. is some friendster bug they never solve. i never send those shits.

i gotta keep

2007-09-30T19:27:00.000+08:00

i forgot, i got carried away.

i gotta keep to my promise, the promise i made to myself, and dont let it go so easily, thats weaknesses exposed, silly me, its just the random fleets of charisma over me. i do too much, i expect too little, i wish. i cant go on, i cant do it, i just have to tell myself, i cant, theres the limit, thats the limit. i cant. i cant. sorry. i know i cant follow my heart, because i want to save it, at all cost, at all cost..

study chem

2007-09-30T09:21:00.000+08:00

its gonna be a fucking long day studying. gonna go church and town. bleah. dream for a better life. studying just suck

fuck love.

2007-09-30T00:44:00.000+08:00

FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK THOSE SILLY WISHES and FUCKED UP HOPES. FUCK THEM ALL.

i dont like the way my life is turning down. i wan a puff i wan a sip. i want everything. please. take this fucking pain away. hurt me, but physical please. i cant take it anymore inside.

FUCKED up life.

im sorry but im giving up on something. im really going to. but i wanna torture the very piece of soul i have left inside. i mean it. i'll just keep pushing u away/

i will.

2007-09-28T23:52:00.000+08:00

my feelings are rather kept inside. better. private. it wont be shared it wont be opened. unless u really want it to be.

sorry about being cold sometimes im just getting used to pushing away my doubts, my insecurities and my love

math was fine. but it did make me damn upset, if i had studied, i would have been better. screwed it but WHATEVER. =) i wanna learn some melayu. ZUL TEACH LA DEY! =)
ROKO ROKO. ahh how u spell. chim siolz.

GYMMED today. though i was feverish yesterday, heck la. good stress relief. =)

u make me miss u sometimes,
i see you and that contact of eye,
it makes me wonder alot,
is it real or my mind once again.

ignorance

2007-09-27T21:26:00.000+08:00

i choose what i feel. blame me if it was too late. im sorry. im an impatience person. but it was all because of that insecurity, i dont wish to let my defence down much longer.

sleep tight aaron, may your fever go away by tomorrow.

i dont wish to fail math but i will do, but i promise i try harder next time. for econs i think it went okay and chi too. looks like chemistry, i need u though im gonna drop u to h1. this life sucks, the pain in the freaking head aint helping either.

careless i was, again and again

2007-09-26T21:05:00.000+08:00

careless i was... again and again.

i had enough, i had enough and someone please appease me soul

econs chinese and math

2007-09-26T09:37:00.000+08:00

i hate chinese.

1.)i suck at it
2.)i dont have a dictionary
3.)i forgot all about it.
4.)waste time taking the paper knowing i'll fail
5.)the time taking the paper is better used on math

i got 5 reasons. thats good enough.

AARON WANTS TO REEELAX. but he cant. he feels so scrambled and messy inside like the egg sandwich with sliced hotdog he is eating now. amazing how i finished is in just a few bites. i wanna start my super detox diet. its like. MASSIVE OUTBREAK BECOZ OF THE LACK OF SLEEP and the LACK OF SPORTS I PLAY TO RELESE BODY TOXINS THRU SWEAT. HAHAHA. so i've made up my mind more or less i go for that long jog every other day after promos. heck the grades (i think).

i wanna live happily, to live a little more carefree, to live in the world i create my own, where literature plays a part in its creativity, to broaden the possibilites and prospects for a better lifestyle. a world where the standard of living is higher, a little more fortunate peple everywhere. a place where hurt is lesser and pain is more subtle. maybe a place where the dream seems less surreal and pain only reflects that ure living what is deemed to be true. is it really impossible?

i need someone with personality,
someone who loves to read,
someone who loves to write,
someone who loves to use her mind like mine.

someone who cares,
someone who bears,
someone who tears,
someone who takes the time to cry.

someone with brace,
someone with might,
someone whom crumble,
to the promised arms of mine.

someone who talks,
someone who dares,
someone who believes in right,
someone who will take the fall tonight.

someone who thinks,
someone who dreams,
someone who will be there alright,
someone who i'll love through the night.

oh boy. looks like econs paper is in another 22 hours plus plus from now. better get the act on. ure running out of time aaron. another lonely christmas? nah, i chosed it, i hope you can change my mind.

eye to eye

2007-09-25T22:55:00.000+08:00

we clearly dont see eye to eye.

i wonder, why i cant love anymore, in that special sense. i dont wait. i cant wait. i cant decide, i cant understand why people engulf themselves in selfish desires. well basically greed and a little less of common sense, i wont understand why people just dont change. i seriously dont wanna understand, why the bloody hell things turn out like this, i guess i have to answer it so honestly, people just dont admit mistakes and change, carry on the foolish impressions, that stereotypical view and realise that you will never find the peace of heart and mind.

like kids we play,
like innocence we mingle and dazzle,
perpetually we offer our sorrows,
we dance, we shout, we run around.

screaming into the wilderness,
we let out our sighs,
we forbid the happiness to grow,
we leave the flowers to die.

riddle lee dee
fiddle lee daa
we sputter nonsense only we understand,
we plan the poem to our extent.

i grow my sins in me,
i live for my only,
while love withered away,
i wonder why i chose to stay.

maybe i dont hope for much because i know i cant expect much out of anything. all u can see is something u want to see, but never what u are going to get. teen angst. fill the void inside of me. i dont mind it at all.

cursed/.

2007-09-25T00:04:00.000+08:00

i'll turn my back on the opportunities i have. face it, u werent nice.

SCREWED THE FUCKING HISTORY PAPER. NO MOOD. BYE

okay then. its like this now huh.

2007-09-23T02:16:00.000+08:00

obviously u dont care. i shouldnt either.

i give up

2007-09-22T00:23:00.000+08:00

ahh whatever.

i give up.

sorry for the what could have beens.
sorry for the what nots.
sorry for my silly attempts. i tried.

where u go?

2007-09-21T23:05:00.000+08:00

where'd u go?
i miss you so.

for people making life a little bit hard for me, well, bring it on then.

thanks nat for being there for me man.

i dont know, im getting lost and a little desperate in my attempts for a sense of inner security, maybe its just the voices telling me how bad this life will be and will always be for me. i dont know yea. i wonder. i reallly dream of something that could change my life, something special, maybe... its someone special.

look at me again,
in the eyes this time,
because it wasnt about appearence,
inner beauty i heard of.

but i wish i could know for myself,
of course u'll be nice,
thats a preassumption i made,
to scare my weary self.

so live up to the name,
that people spoke of you,
and show me that once im right,
and i try to be true.

blabber nonsense,
speak of time passing by,
i'll wait for tomorrow,
and a little more to come.

im telling u the signs,
for you coming here is to read,
the more i kept in eye,
the more it'll be a lie.

lets say it aint much poetry,
nor a note to anyone else,
just my honest opinions,
and a clear conscience feeling.

this is what i have to say,
till now it brings me near,
that moment where tears are savour,
i think of you so dear.

goodness, GP paper, thank god it wasnt so hard, but confidence is just a boost and i dont think i'll do as well. hist on mon. im freaking scared. i must do well for hist and econs. if not, im outta of this school. i guess some will be happy, i guess some will be not. but in fact, i question those who despise me, for clearly you all dont know why and not. =)

tomorrow

2007-09-20T22:29:00.000+08:00

tomorrow starts the promos.

its GP. and im

STRESSSS.

sigh. i dont wanna blog now. freak. i hate it i hate it.

hate, love, confusion, frustration, worried, mesmerised, panicky.
my emotions now, piece them together thanks.

like i said before

2007-09-19T23:56:00.000+08:00

like i said before, it wasnt much that lured me to this simple sweetness. all it took was the fact that i believed. i believed that all that matter was inside.

why u toook the long way, and hurt me along it, u brought me much pain and little to recover from, yet you dont know it dont you. you really dont know it.

bend or break?
true or fake?
again youre late,
we wont make it at this rate.

did u look at me?
with curiosity?
or with disgust?
or was i dreaming of a glance?

tell me okay. please,
its tormenting,
its hurting alot,
like what your others are doing to me.

if only it was kept in you alone,
your secret my faith,
your lies my brave,
my hatred your perception.

i wont do this alone,
but with who?
i thought i could trust,
the very soul in you.

god told me in my sleep,
that i wouldnt suffer another heartbreak,
but it seems why now,
i lost all my faith

just came back from the gym with nat andre and zul. feels darn good. and a lil sleepy too. MAN U better win tonight =)

PROMOS IS OFFICIALLY STARTING. i hate this feeling that bad things are to come. but i wanna do well. really. =)

how how how?

2007-09-18T23:15:00.000+08:00

i love to read stories where always there will be a happy ending, but sometimes those with bad endings seems to make me feel rather excited. well, i dont know, a weird thing i guess.

i cant seem to get UN-SLEEPY in school. haha the library is sooo comfortable. its like... ermm... snortz. >.<

well it seems there are so many influences around you, many of which i believe aint good. and i know i've made so many mistakes in my life, it seems that its unrepentable. i dont seem to be able to stand on my two feet when i think abt it, it just seems futile each time i try. i've really tried, i meant, its dumb its stupid, blame me, make me look like a fool and an asshole, maybe i really am. though i tried changing, i think it was damn long ago since i really did something bad. find reasons to hate me, try,be honest, tell me what about me isnt really good enough, justify and show a reason to show you wouldnt care abt it. maybe all you could do is just to condemn me. i guess it wouldnt make a difference.

im clueless, standing at the pits of remorse and regrets, i think i made a rael bad mistake along the way, and its making it more difficult to say hi. i guess its almost impossible huh.

I WANNA SLEEP SOON. YAY YAY YAY! then tomorrow gonna mug hard la.

a nobody

2007-09-17T23:54:00.000+08:00

i came i saw and i know what i should do, i should just be a nobody to you.

it wouldnt matter at all and i know it, but thats part and parcel of this miserable life. i guess i gotta get it moving on, and dont care what others think.
no one has the perfect view

thanks minhang for staying back to "study" with me, hahaha. talked though but it was good, atleast im getting closer to my own classmates now.

end of the world?

2007-09-16T20:22:00.000+08:00

what would u do, what would u do when its the end of the world and everything comes crumbling down on you. what would you do?

i like such questions, makes u think a littttle bit, then makes u wonder, why sometimes u find it so difficult to answer it. but for some, it is not tough at all.

"a note to my readers"
sometimes, its good to read blogs to understand a little more about people. well, perhaps with a better frame and mindset that is. for some reason or another, many ppl love to judge carelessly what others are like, and i dont wana hear such problems from other peoples blog and from my own too. thank you =)

people dont u like to see,
why the words comes out from thee,
speaks of jealousy and envy,
or pride and desperism?

mainly we focus too deeply on image,
but what cares i see?
inner beauty speaks for me,
taking too long to digress it seems eh?

but why the urge to push,
to put down those who turns u green,
its simple for an oppurtunist,
ahhh, thats somewhat.. mean?

pitiful whimps,
crashing deep inside,
the urge to shout,
to make a little more noise.

so thats what u call fame?
thats what you call mr popularity?
or even miss wannabe,
i dont know think so, that aint reality.

so u want everyone to think that ure so strong?
so u want everyone to think that ure dependable on?
but what do you have to offer?
nothing but praises of self.

care to tell some truths?
of how loser you can be,
or maybe some humility,
not only to those who you love.

shove me away,
make me fall a whisker away from death,
and in hope that i dont retaliate,
because i just hate it, like seriously.

free youself,
maybe throw a little temper,
then realise,
foolishesness comes from within.

like i said,
jealousy and envy gets u nowhere,
change your policy,
change it now.

i dont like aggression,
i dont like arguments,
i dont like gossips,
i dont like intrusions,
i dont like revenge,
i dont like rashness,
i dont like lies,
i dont like rumours.

so please please me.
make me a little happy,
because behin your back,
u dont know what i've done for you.

but its okay, hurt,
makes u stronger,
despise me somemore,
i dont mind.

so i realise some things, but i still keep going on who i am to be, sometimes i laugh funy, tickled pink with some weird stuff i hear. but owells, its really cute the way ppl talk like this, but this is part of life. amazingly it is. laugh and cry and feel spasm. i dont know.

screw promos. making me stressed up for god damn no reason.

guys, i chose not to get involve, like big time no i dont want to, stop making me look as if i owe u guys alot of shit, i dont. and dont people i know what ure saying. and i realise, it wasnt worth defending my enemies if they are so preoccupied talking behind my back, i guess some people dont change dont they?

STUDY. the magic word. but well, i cant do magic.

i dont know yet again.

2007-09-15T23:42:00.000+08:00

i really wnna give up on it all u know.

i dont know how, i really dont know, show me a sign, really, try to show me a sign. show me that the world will not fall apart when i said i really will try. time and time again, many will grief what lies ahead, and yes i know PROMOS is coming, round the bloody corner. i grief that, i really cant stand how near it is and im totally unprepared. this shows how much troubles of the heart has took a priority in me, i wish it hasnt, and the sight of you, timely after time makes me think, why have i been the fool for? you dont know me, only by the words of others, was it fair to me? was it fair to yourself? paint my emotions, deeply, based on others, they dont feel the hurt, they dont feel the pain, they dont feel how much i may be in vain. i shant cry, neither shall i show my temper, it aint worth it all, i should just ignore.. should i?

u dont know what i want, neither do you know how much i do feel this way, based on the opinion that ure a real nice person, and nothing else. i guess its too much u hear then.

blinded by flames, which sprouted the smoke,
the eyes, painfully, blinded
engulfed, denied,
left there, to burn, to suffocate to die.

i would take your place,
where death meant the last,
a new beginning then,
i'll still watch over you.

why get so upset?
why get so down?
why get tempted to cut thyself?
why cry when u know im here all the time?

and u know how much u mean to me,
every little thing i wanted,
all the time,
all the time.

somewhere in time,
somewhere in mind,
i would still be waiting,
for not one by two to finish the race.

i wouldnt live just to be the disgrace,
though emerge will be only one winner,
the attempt makes you shine,
thats why ure still in me mind.

im sick and tired, all the time,
to keep thining of all this things,
for i gave up many things,
why no return i felt the chore.

i'll come and take you home,
one day, some time,
maybe yes maybe no,
try girl, lead me to your door.

put on the smile,
show that gentle glance,
that cheeky wink,
and that mild hop.

i promise i wont make you sad,
i wont make you cry,
i wont make u feel like you are short,
short of everything that makes u perfect.

i swear you wont be just another one,
i've never made anyone feel that way,
i swear that everything will be alright,
just like what i lived my life with right.

a perfect world?
i rather imperfection,
if not there wont be love,
such a wonderful feeling.

yet it hurts right now,
and i think i know why,
but i try not to make assumptions,
it would just cost me so dear.

went out with jonathan and shawn. took my LOVELY IPOD FROM SCHOOL. HENG AH I SWEAR BABY PODDY I WONT LIVE U BEHIND LIKE THAT! haha. also took shawn's notes. (damn u lucky shit, i left my pod behind if not u dont get ur notes to study. bleah.) went to wheelock macs and had the best talking session (indeed it was studying). okay. then left and i ATE SALAD. HAHA. shit la. the food fair at taka. all MOONCAKES. i thought i could have a FREE FLOW OF FOOD. but the ppl offering food knew we werent potential buyers and i didnt felt good that they knew so YEA. only took a FEW pieces, they are DAMN small, like the size u feed birds with. crumbles i swear.

then god my SALAD. and went to busstop with shawny chin and bussed to thomson plaza. met up with nat and zul. hardly study again and the BK closes. omg la. shit. i feel so wasted. its only a week left. 5 subjects. im so bloody screwed. I NEED A POTENTION STUDY BUDDY. tell me okay. =)

tomorrow gonna meet/study with JANELLE HO XIAO FEI. i swear. if u pangseh me, i'll brutally kill u. hahahahaa. and make sure got space at taka coffee bean, and be early. =) and u better help me with math chem econs shitloads.

ok im gonna sleep. prob gymming with marcus tomorrow! NEED ALL THE RESST I NEED> WR IS OVER AND HELL YEAH. still no partytime, PROMOS PROMOS. study. 2 days one sub. and it be fine, please god, save my sorry ass. please!?

i want...

2007-09-15T12:37:00.001+08:00

i want.

i want you to be happy always. u got that?

off to meet jonathan tan and shawn chinny. i hope i can find what imma looking for. hmmmmm. school first towny here i comes. weather freaking hot. blahhh. hope can find a place to study. PS? cine? town's a bad choice. harhar. wells. OFF I GO!

and if u think im lying, i have no other motive, i really want you to be happy. and u better get that.

awsome

2007-09-14T22:02:00.000+08:00

no night study today. so ended up going to TP macs to eat and then went home.

SLEPT alot today. freaking tired. well im not gonna complain why but just take it inside. its okay man. i love the way rumours spread themselves, even for those enemies i;ve defended, i realise, maybe thats how life is gonna be, it doesnt matter really, maybe im just so tired, thats why.

what matters to me? i wont bloody tell anyone.
because eventually i'll be just another substitute.
even when u say im different,
eventually im like every one of them.

you catch my attention,
oh so suddenly,
but of course if only it was 14feb,
i might have a little guts to say hello.

so would you say yes to me,
only to be my friend,
well,
a step at a time to fall to find.

i could say, i still care,
i could say, its still there,
but it wont be any longer,
because silence remains all quiet.

please baby,
give me a break,
tell me if it matters,
my emotions aint fake.

so just tell me okay? be direct. i did try for all to see. maybe it was stupid little part of me.

crazy days ahead, i know i must do well, for myself of couse. i think.

dude. dont mess with me

2007-09-13T23:17:00.000+08:00

dude, please. dont mess with me. thinking you know so much about me? ure making a laughin stock out of yourself. God is wonder where he has gone wrong with you, given your raging estrogens and extreme suck up skills, is that what you're all about? dont be a pussy sometimes, even though u own one boy. if u got the balls, which i doubt so, come to me yourself, dont need to throw tantrums and temper and storm ur bag on the floor as if u had menopause. it really disgusts me to know how much of a man substance you left in you. everyone else is equally disgusted. sometimes, think about what you said, because you clearly dont know where u really stand in cjc. =) a food for thought, u can try some testerone pills, it may make u think a little better.... dont cry too. u can go to your biggies for comfort.

PW is reallly draining energy. it sucks like omfg badly. argh. im greatly disappointed with some of the group members. well. victoria and gabby dont worry, im proud of you both. a hell lot. =) thanks for those late nights u guys spent to do the work okay? hope the results are good.

gosh. dont come so near,
for either, it gets no where,
because i dont wear no shiny armour,
and i only got a few pence to spare.

maybe a miracle,
that dont come by too often,
we then see some chemistry,
otherwise a little stagnation instead.

for now at least, give me time.

we got hope! the pw is gonna be good i hope i hope i hope i hope! WR! I HATE U, but wells, i make sure i do it well then. OFF TO DO MY PW!!!! =(

fishhhh

2007-09-12T23:33:00.000+08:00

damn.

PW,PW,PW.WR,WR,WR.
lack of sleep,
hatred for some people,
a confused heart

messy eh. well. welcome to my life.

stressss

2007-09-11T23:27:00.000+08:00

IM SO DAMN BLOODY STRESS
like omg. im so stress, im doing my work at double the usual rate, maybe even more! i think i work on some stress machine, and its GOOD/BAD thing. i really dont like being stress but it UPS my performance. like O's. its really crazy to rush my work and everthing. and i get tired so easily. i just doze off like crazy la during lessons and lecture. somehow, my visions suddenly becomes so blur and then i cannot see what im writing. thats BAD.

PW IS SO MOTHERSCREWED. its totally gone case and im gonna hit my head so badly against the wall tryin go complete it by tomorrow. its like really impossible lar. trying alot of ways to do the PW and our showcase or rather the rest seems quite difficult. hope all 5 brains tomorrow in my group will function properly and efficiently. then get the job done. =) thus gonna chiong to Vic's hse to do the PW and then maybe back to school if i can make it in time. gahhh. im a mugger now, and im a sleepyhead. productive? thats questionable.

you try to understand me,
realise that i've been thinking,
making sound like im hoping,
but i aint a man that worked that way.

it takes more than courage,
it takes more than letting down pride,
because u unknowningly hurt me,
the gentlest way that u could.

but i take it,
and i may be out for revenge,
for those who loves to intrude,
my anger loves to retribute.

okay i say okay i swore,
that it be just this time of it all,
maybe i give myself a little chance,
proudly it all mattered to you.

i know it all i do.

yourself

2007-09-10T23:22:00.000+08:00

if everything about me could be kept to yourself, there might be something.

i didnt believe in anything, and even now,
im happy i could be less distracted.

we live entirely

2007-09-09T21:41:00.000+08:00

ohhhh man, yeesterday was busy spent doing PW in which much had to be done, well i think my group is screwed. =( well, at least we are trying very much and very hard down here, so it be fine i guess.

today went to the gym in the early morning. haha. went with marcus. gosh marcus kept pushing himself alot, i felt damn slack man. pffft. anyway! didnt study much today, went to school AHHAHAHA. like awhile then went to united square. omgosh the journey there was funny and LONG. =( sorry jasvir!

tomorrow gonna mug. its the last 2 weeks. im so screwed. especially for history and everything else. GG. i cant afford to retain. sigh. guess its late nights and mugging, but how much discipline do i have anyway?

AHHHHHHHHHHHH I MUST STUDY. i dont have motivation. i think i know WHY.

a note to muhhself only once i shall be said.

i know my distraction,
it wasnt just only myself,
it became more of an obession,
something i try disillusioning myself in,
i kept trying to say, no more,
but it keeps coming back,
does knowledge hurt so much?
to be able to think,
sometimes to understand,
most of the time to actually feel it,
to learn how to cry,
learn how to keep back that strange emotion,
let it go in the middle of the night,
maybe often before you sleep,
tears trickling down,
cold, shivers up the spine,
wondering to God, why?

i believe entirely,
though i despise something called love,
i believed it exist,
and im not born in any perfect image,
neither materialistically blessed,
nature has its curse on me,
im not perfect, thats all i know,
i do try,
silly things i've done,
but it was all about knowing that,
cluelessness maks you do silly things,
what who on earth will judge?
besides god himself,
what else can one do?
nothing?

i've tried many times,
fallen short and often left dejected of my decision,
i gave my bloody all,
only to suffer the earth's bloody lies,
condemn me everyone, comdemn,
whats there to be uplifted or glorified about?
whats the use to carry on in the first place?
dont know?
i feel that it has many more to speak,
it wasnt something just for show,
but clearly it is something about faith,
something i believed in so entirely,
till this day, yes today.

so what should i believe now?
a stranger? or myself?
what am i suppose to do?
i dont know it all i admit, i dont,
and im still trying to find that missing link in my life,
but i know it isnt necessary now,
whats gonna last forever anyway?
this is for YOU to decide.
i really missed those times,
it wasnt much still i do, it wasnt abt anyone else,
but its true.

care to tellme about your fever?
how you spread your disease.
how that ache has gotten into me,
and tell me how impossible you are to me.
tell me,
show me,
make me,
feel me,
right inside and say, that i didnt believe a lie,
but it was all worth it.

so what if i do haf that strange feeling about you? you dont think its worth it, and for strange reason though, you dont know ure the one, maybe.
words spreads around, rumours and gossips engulfs the minds of many, but the truth, its only with me.

crazy!

2007-09-07T23:50:00.000+08:00

today was uber productive/unproductive. HAHAHA it is crazy man.

I CANT BELIEVE IT LARRRR> IM SOOOO UNPREPARED FOR PROMOS. sharks. i think im gonna write short posts now, means i really tress up besides thinking of anything else. YEAH.

I DID GYM TODAY WITH ZUL NAT AND ANDRE. and some guy cal JOEL. okok. well. PUMP it up. PUMP it up. feels good to de-stress like that, the problem is, whats there to really stress about knowing i din out in enough hard work. that sucks man seriously.

SOOON SOOON. study sessions with budddies =)

ok tomorrow PW at vic place. i hope everything is done and properly planned out.

onalighternote.

i really tried,
think im weird,
i did try to make a difference,
yet laugh at me.

surely you dont know,
that the more you want the harder it gets,
its the same for me,
likewise, it became easier for you.

its okay being the laughing stock,
for what you think you are worth doing,
maybe i shouldnt try at all,
im not worth it in your eyes.

go ahead and tell,
it doesnt matter,
even if a few believe me,
thats more than sufficient.

im sorry to myself,
a little more this time,
i realise,
it wasnt worth it isnt it?

so wont you answer me,
and tell me bloody why,
you look at it,
as if ure the only one.

out beauty shines more this time,
i know it will fade,
what matters is inside,
yet it clouds you momentarily.

it wont matter anymore,
shouldnt i take a step back,
my little cute bouncing girl,
movements are made to shack.

i thought i saw a little more,
a gesture that made me a fool,
it was because... it meant a little more,
to me than to you.

so ask all you want,
answers you may find,
i feel that time is up,
answers myself i left behind.

i dont want anymore troubles,
feeling the heat of whatever it brings,
you're just someone else,
like everyone else.

SLEEPY!

expectations.

2007-09-06T23:15:00.000+08:00

i dont have no motive. i have nothing. what if i just come so simply, thats all. cant you see, cant you see at all, it was just a token, though now it seems i really wanted a little bit more, no. i give up on my silly idea thinking you were all that nice. blame it on the things around you, those you confide in, i dont care anymore.

we care too much for our selfish desires, sometimes, we dont see the simplest things in life, we just wish to be over the world or the dominating factor, but please, people in this world who are lke that dont make it far. i dont use religion to uphold my status, nor use my talents to put fall to others pride. i dont condemn those whom i hardly know, nor push on for judgements based on others opinions. but cool i say cool, show me your weaknesses day by day, every single action, youre the one at shame. it seems being goodie woodie boy puts a new environment around me, it doesnt really speak much nor be outstanding, but it makes the world a little easier to see. such grusome atrocities i encounter everyday, some too cautious while other too caught up with it. fill yourself with muddleupfuckedup poison, maybe that drip of ecstacsy, but who cares, go on high and drown in your sympathy, i dont care. look around, maybe try it another time, hopefully, if i were to give myself a chance to even try.

ahh fuck whatever. dont mess with me. =)