twisting and turning, over and over again. held in my hands my phone in hope of a reply. but it seems that the anxiety over my heart placed a larger role in this. the pain, excruciating, yet i do not understand why i feel this way. i dont know why. im refraining from this for over a year and now its suddenly coming tumbling over me like fallen blocs from above. i was meant to survive and learn from this mistake, but how much do i want this? im questioning myself, every single word i said, it ripped my insides, its tormenting and creating yet another painful memory. i choose to escape, to always run away, because i cannot face it, yet you dont understand what i've been through to feel this way. u dont understand that i will lose myself, i will lose everything when im with you, life aint this bed of roses all the time, even love kills to the extent that you lose your identity. eventually i question my own consciousness, where is the soul i once had which loved to live itself till dust arrives. innocence and maintaining my own chasity. screw those forbidden requests and lenghty anguishes i had in my own consequence. no i cant take this okay. i admit, weak and foolish, i cannot take another blow. for its why i did told you, a risk i would take, maybe i will never be always sure of myself. but this time, take my hand wont you? i'll defy my mentality and follow what i feel, maybe it would be worth it. i wish i had a lil more sleep. blame it on last time, i'll blame it on now, but the one to blame is myself. all along, it was just me, i choose it this way. whatever the outcome, i'll just choose to take the step back and see, i never deserved anything in my lifetime to come. maybe what nat said was right, why not stay single forever. childish comments.


i find it miserably hard waiting, like winter forever or summer sorching on my bear skin, i didnt mind the physical pain. just dont make it be felt inside, i cant make it suffice. i'm impatient. each time im left to think, nothing good comes out of it. and really, it works on an overdrive, everything fucking bullshit that happened will come into my mind, it just makes me want another puff, better if u give me some drink with it. give it to me give it to me, i really want it now. vice of humankind, luxury for easing away the hurt. it was never enough, never. in fact, its only the beginning and i think im getting wasted. all over again.




;
breaking free to something new. =)