sigh. im totally lost. totally.

im troubled. everything. its like so sudden since not long ago. i cant take it anymore. i wish i can do something about it.

dad lost his job. so mum is heavily depended on. then its only recent that dad finally found a job. but the pay isnt very good though. its so sad to see my dad get so skeptical and sacarstic because of all this financial problems. it makes me so angry and frustrated myself.

i dont wanna go home. im trying my best to stay in school everyday. whatever happens... i just feel like staying in school. to talk to my friends. chill. do anything but come home. it feels like im all alone. im always home alone. doing nothing. i cant study alone. i've never felt like it before. sometimes i break down and cry, i wonder why. what did i do to deserve it. i really tried my best, to make things work out, finally im left to my own lonely soul. i really hate it. im really trying my best... for everything i do... everything.

next. my parents cant pay the bills and i've given them almost all my money. i cant believe it. its becoz of this stupid uncle who taxed my family. fuck him. if only we didnt have them as the burden, i would at least be okay. i dont believe it, why are is my family giving so much more than they can afford?

i know i've changed. really trying for the better. and im so hurt now, everything inside, being blamed for so many things, that people dont know im being through it. the worst thing is that i cant afford that pair of javelin spikes that cost 150 dollars. i have nothing left now, so are my parents. i dont know what to do, im not sleeping with the air con tonight. if it helps. there is nothing else i can do to help. i really wanted so badkly those pair of shoes, i mean, it will definitely help me with my throws. im confident it will make me hit 50 metres, i dont care i can do it.

worst. i have a shin splint. thanks to training on the field. the uneven ground at sji. that stop cost me my shin. its as pain icing it. but i so badly wanna play volleyball and other sports. its real fun. its real normal of me once again. i so badly want to run, to feel free like before. it hurts so badly, i can hardly run now and i've gotta tape it up. its frustrating, im really breaking down inside.

im so worried for my parents, if anything happens to them, health wise. it will be devastation for the whole family. my injuries cannot be treated because i cannot afford it. and mum is acting like nothing is happening and dad is like telling me how much mom loves me. i freaking know all this bloody shit. i know. im making more sacrifices now, im really trying. to let go of everything. maybe my own feelings. i dont know if it is worth it for all that i care at all.

somehow, i feel different when im with u. its different, but its so superficial, maybe only to a certain extent, that i wish we would be more than strangers, even so, more than jus friends. but i know i cannot afford it. partly i know my parents decision for me to stay was my incapability to afford acjc. it all comes falling down. again and again. i dont know what to say anymore.

today was horrible. though i had fun playing volleyball. its hurting so badly. i dont know why i got it at this moment as i got some competitions coming up and coach is expecting me to get top 5 for all of them. even so to hit as much as 45 metres steadily. expectations are building up in me. im pushing myself in gym, always, im doing my own stuff, hoping that i will slowly improve. on my own. even so... im always alone. maybe i dont deserve anyone else anymore. i dont deserve anyone else better. maybe i've really given up on myself. im trying to work so hard to make a better future for myself. but im willing to die even for you. i dont know why. i do care, but its seeming so distant from reality.

i played volleyball officially properly for the 3rd time today. or maybe 4th. it wasnt good. im still trying to play it properly. maybe i shuld pick it up as a hobby and a sport. to keep myself occupied. its school and me now. classes were alright and now im losing steam, especially to what is happening to me now. i dont know what to do anymore. why did this happen to me.


it hurts so badly again. im feeling the little swell in the shin. gonna ice it again then tie it up totally. i need to get it fit and running up again soon.

i learnt never to live to regret. im regretting. cuz at this moment, if i let my feelings, my real feelings take over, i might just break down. i feel i know enough. my heart. im trying to turn it into a stone. im trying my best not expect another heartache. but the problem is that i dont mind anymore. i really dont care.


im breaking down. im breaking down so badly. i dont know what to say anymore. its weird tearing a little typing this post. i dont know what to do anymore. i really dont know. i've always given my all. i've sacrificed everything, everything. only to realise, i was the fool again. im sorry. i dont deserve you.




;
breaking free to something new. =)