oh gosh. body aching like mad. heh. i think im gonna do homework luhhh... the positive attitude of ppl in my class, its really weird. bleah. it's quite stressful actually. but i think i know that it will influence me positively luhhh!

oh yes i remember, i havent done any ap and gp work in my life. so its screwing up mathematical induction. oh boy, i realise that the whole math thingy is so inter-related. thats pretty frustrating when i know i gotta catch up.

i cant help thinking of my throw yesterday. i myself have never been so enthu about trainings. maybe because i knew i have to be proud of myself in some way or another, another thing is that im losing weight. HAHA! thats sounds good huh. it better be. at least do more runs, sprints, and aerodynamics. hopefully it makes me body less prone to injuries and more explosive. probably cutting down on the training time. 6 times a week kills. maybe i really gonna rest on the weekends luh. hopefully, i shall motivate myself and the field side. kyle, jovian, alvin, angie, samantha, haoyuan (shit spelling error i thing). hopefully u guys and the others can do it as well.

i sometimes feel awkward training at sji. i mean, its really silly. i wear catholic high go in, i get stares. it feels like the atmosphere is really weird, but screw it, i beat them all can already. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. i guess im feeling high from yesterday, but hopefully i can maintain and not burn out. sorta sad marcus quitted the discus side and randall aint planning to come to cjc. but i guess the track team works with the unity basis, we all work hard together and try to make it less individual but more of a team. it will always be nice to have a team sport, to train some coordination and stuff, but i've never been able to work with another person, team, partner in a sport ever since pri school. maybe its my lack of confidence in my partner, or jus that i work better alone. ever since, i hope i can change the fact, maybe some day, i'll be able to play a team sport soon. handball sounds fun! =D

oh nigel and lionel, get the passes right, u guys can do it in the sph relays, a step at a time, we'll go further. we stay on together, for the team, for each other, and finally, we'll jus stay for the school.

finally. i've gotten over AC. i dont need no fame, nor i need status to prove who i am. i dont need the nice uniform, i dont need the nice feeling of being in some top school, where i think i might not like it there, or have unsporting politics going around. like i said, some things are so superficial and others must be known skin deep. if i were to be satisfied like this, surely i know that all i ever wanted was materialistic desires. CJC, even though we aint nobody yet now, we'll show u that we dont need big names schools to make it big. screw AC =)

surely going to church helps, i prayed, that one day u'll show me the answer, that one day, god i know uve been talking to me, urging me to do it, but im not. im not listening. i wont go back to cathecism classes, not in christ the king at least. maybe i just need more time, more time to be selfish yet this way to feel that i've been satisfied with my own comfort. because, i dont wanna think anymore, i dont wanna reflect so deep, i dont want anyone to use me, to know what i think and to know what i emphasise on differently. i really dont like it.



sometimes i wish i knew what was worth it all. i've letten it go long ago. long ago. long enough to know that i still wish for it. but now, it feels differently, i dont wanna live by the book, to live for the knowledge that many chose to discover. but with it, it comes real pain and less of anxiety. it comes a different mindset and perceptions, but it is so fragile that any misunderstanding will lead to a total breakdown. i dare say, my heart is shattered into a million pieces and i've chosen many times that i wanna be alone. but i know, im just hurting myself, each step at a time, im really breaking down, though i get stronger in some other sense, i feel that i cant go on much longer like this. its just so fake of me. i feel, it im so scared of getting hurt again, but it will be so selfish to myself and i dont know if i ever will open up again. i know i will i know i can. but i dont know if it will ever happen again. i wish i would never think so much, not only to think, to understand, thats where when i see the world, i only know it hurts me so much.

to know is to know, to dare is to dare. to be who u are matters most, because by changing who you are, it wasnt you whom i will see in the mere future. i dare say i like you, a real lot, but i dont know if it will be the same for you.

i've decided to change my blog words a lil. to remove those stuff i've letten go. if i were to open my heart once again. i wonder how it will it be like. sigh.




;
breaking free to something new. =)