it hurts it pains so much, i actually teared a little while i was leaving the retreat centre earlier. i saw my grandparents, their pictures on the wall, and i feel so strongly for them. was it the love i lacked that made me feel this way?

i dont see the point in ever having any feelings for you. its too hard for me sometimes to realise that maybe u werent the one for me. somehow when i wanna say what i dont wanna regret to say, even that try, something is holding me back so strongly. when i left, i kinda felt i needed the time to think, the whole bus 166 ride back, made me think of how i feel towards you. you jus give me so much insecurity even as a friend. i asked Jane how what i should do. came the reply was up to you lor. Is that what you really want?

everytime im hurting inside, i feel like some people care jus to show some face or just to show they can care. but deep inside, how far would you go to show that you care? its giving me such a bad headache.

the whole ride, i was playing savage garden songs. it puts me in the mood to think, though i know i should not. it is not normal of me to do such things but i really needed to.


i rather not be cared if you people cant. dont act like many can. i rather u guys leave me alone then show the worthless sympathy. it hurts me so much inside, you guys will never feel it. thus it will be best if many just leave me alone to die. than living the lies of the worthless.

i guess i wont commit to church camps anymore.-- its rather stupid, i guess i'll always be understood for some other wrong intentions. i shan't waste my time then.

yesterday was fun. was whole day at school and bruno's house.

IM SO FUCKING PISSED OK? if i know i WONT go down to the church camp already. my mentality was fixed to studying that night and going for a relax and nice fellowship with the youths and cc1 teens. in the end. asked to packed home and for wrong intentions. i dont care. sometimes, i really wanna lose the religion. i hate it but that feeling comes. i dont know why. i pray and i hope it doesnt seem that way.

dont irritate me anymore, i dont know what to say, i wish i can bury myself. and wait for that special one to come. but its not right. its not right. how i wish i can cry. and let the entire pain out again. it keeps filling. but i shall keep my pain inside. today. till i can find someone whom will understand that pain.


if it werent for you, i would have been a different self. but i realise i cant hold on to something impossible. i dont wanna feel the heat and competition. i cant do it anymore. let me live my own life. fuck off those who wanna interfere. i dont give a damn how you guys look at me as. i jus do what i think its right. and u cant stop me.


jus had a game of cs. i wish i can be back at it. but no team wants me. sad lol.




;
breaking free to something new. =)