who am i...
what am i...
where am i...

im trying to find myself... yet on the way destroying every single bond that i've made. I feel like im creating this barrier of unbreakable and undermining nonsensical wall.

I've given up on everything... starting from scratch... trying to be who i was had made me given up on the every single interest that i once swore i would do well in. Why start when i've know i will give up? Why quit when u reach where you wanted to go? Is it from the very start that i've made the mistake? The mistake of ever knowing anyone?

Im reluctant to forgive myself... i jus wanna lock myself up in a room, to reflect, to think, to realise i was a shadow of myself. But even if i knew, i do admit but i find it hard to change. Because i did not realise in the way of finding myself, it brings down everyone else. Its over for myself, the one whom i confide myself with. Deep inside, its torturous... its ever inflicting the pain i swore i would never feel.

No more use of smashing knuckles...
To hurt oneself so as to bear the pain mentally...
God is prettty smart with all this feelings...
Tell me what you want... tell me please....

I will not listen to anyone's advice or guidiance, neither am i going to listen to what my heart is telling me. It never will make any sense, all i get is the wrong direction, evident at the end of the route when i see satan's laughter at the end. Maybe i tried a different approach to myself... but i cant recognise myself, who is that person in the mirror? i do not know...

I'll guess ill be going away for the time being... hoping that i will realise who i am. Maybe if i never will... i will jus live everyday as it is. Surely i will feed upon the tears i shed, or the lies that persist within me. Everyone me knows who i am. I'll never be able to console myself anymore, its that i've given enough chances... I wont wanna be there for anyone anymore, neither would i want the same to be for me.

It hurts that everyone still think i am who i was last time... Maybe if everyone wwant me to be who i was last time, you guys will get who i am last time, a different me. Jus get used to it...

Never would i wanna hurt for those i think i care for. Maybe for those who wouldnt care, it doesnt matter, like i said, the only think i know of myself is that I do not know who i am anymore... I will never find myself... maybe one day till someone tells me who i really am inside, i'll be a liar, a sinner, unworthy of anything else. Its tormenting, agonising, but who cares?

I wanna take that path, that route i took 2 years ago, its fun, time passes, maybe by destroying my life will i find who i am. So i can rebuild myself again... no point getting depressed as one by one whatever i bonded for is leaving. I'm deceiving... whatever is the point of no return, maybe for a long time, where the wall will eventaully fall. Maybe i will fall before anything...

People perceive me as someone not serious... well, maybe serious i cant be. Maybe that was or not what im gonna be.

Im rebellious
Im aggressive
Im fickle minded
Im complicated
Im no more who i am anymore...

Forget who i am, remove me from all your memories, because.. that is who i really am, nothing at all. I've been a failure all my life... a major contradiction. Maybe i've been typing nonsense. Because what is inside me is nothing at all.

-Fading from existance. Is it a threat? something to dread? or rather my biggest wish.

i see people as somebody special, i do not care who you guys are anymore, why should i? one of me dont make a difference in society, maybe thats how i perceive things is what is my biggest downfall. dont msg me, dont call me, dont even think about me. Maybe its the best way i've to live my life...

`Becoz thats y u left me... (i hate you)

Im freaking out, everything... everyhing... maybe if one day you said hello... will then i realise i wasnt alone anymore... but till today, isolation has brought me nowhere...

i've regret everything i had achieve in my life... i wished i've never achieved anything at all. For what fuck would i do anything for? Talents? Potential? Maybe the best remedy is really jump, or to slit or jus to fall... It has always been in my mind... Spark the essence of it... someone jus spark it, and i will go, if thats the best way to live my life, which is to end it.

---i do not know how to image myself to be serious, when i do mean something, everyone things its a joke... most probably i only have a little of my heart left, maybe none. It wasnt meant to be like this... i want to turn back time...5 years ago. To realise if i hadn't say yes... everything would not turn out like this...

Y was i ever born? to know i almost die so many times in my life... i wished it would jus end jus then... why make me live? why did u not take me away then at that point of my life? it was so easy... if that miracle did not happen, i would have been gone. But why? why must i have to suffer inside... to those people i used to trust to turn their backs on me. Maybe im jus mrhateyouforyourlife. Never will i wanna see myself in the mirror, im not even fit to look you into your eyes.

The best way to live... is not to live at all. To those who think its a joke... well i've nothing to be ashame at all. Because... thats all i have left inside me, i've given everything i could give... And nothing is left of me anymore...

i've given my heart away, to people even i do not know... and i've nothing left now. if i cant even take care of myself, why bother about others.

i really give up now... everything. And to this... i mean it. Get lost everybody...




;
breaking free to something new. =)