it is hurting now....
it is painful...
its agonising...
treacherous...

your perfidous act caused me so much pain... havent we vowed to stay together.... all the way... every step... i did.
Since day one, you were the angel sent down from the highest, captivating me with our sweetness, exquisite and ravishing, you were accountable for me falling in love with you.
I felt loved, wholeheartedly, I thought why would you love a guy like me, full of deceit, vulgar, impulsive, unworthy... but you jus said... "i love you" this 3 words, stating that its all that matters. Thats when i saw what true love means, I thought i found it inside you. Promises made, vowed not to be broken, I kept everything close to my heart, each time the warmth shatters the petrified heart of mine. I did not know what i could do to show i love you, i tried, and i thought to myself.... i did succeed. I loved you.
You always wanted to show u loved me, ever ready to heal my once broken heart, you opened to me, you showed me the way, you showed me that love wasnt selfish, it was something forgiving and always a faith renewing admission. Trust mattered so much to you. I had a problem with that, I couldnt be left alone, and it was you who said eternity was not impossible. I chose to believe, reluctant i was, i eventually did. I loved you. It started... 20th april'04.

Somehow, every minute of my life was seem incomplete without you, remembered the time we said we wished we would wanna run away together, to somewhere, a paradise, jus you and me. I felt addicted to you, you were like my drug, kept me wanting for more, i couldn't live without you, i spent every living moment struggling to meet you, it was fatal.

Days past to months... A year came by, it was pretty slow then, i knew it was time and your love that could bind us forever, i parted my selfish ways, i realise then that you were everything that could make me complete, the missing jigsaw puzzle, the last drop of rain, that single bud that blossomed.
"who were you to me?"
"why do i love you so much?"
"what did you do to make mi love you?"
"why me?"

Questions came in, reluctact to battle an unforgiving past that would make me feel so remorsed. Saddened by the thought, you thought me to feel my heart, into my soul, to give you the answer you wanted. "i love you" it came out, extemperously, i couldnt believe it... it was sincere.

We made the commitment to each other... it really satisfied me. I promised to myself that the oath i swore upon my heart that i will love you till the end of time, every single moment i will make it a memorable one, never deceiveing, true and wholehearted.

It was at the beginning that i said i couldnt take care of you like someone perfect, and you said it was okay. Two hands were needed to clap, therefore i couldnt go it alone and u said that u will be with me. I was ashame of my inability to take the initiative, i wondered what would be perfect, not knowing that being perfect was being who i was. I couldn't see it, i really couldn't. However things changed, you guided me every step, all the way.

Possessiveness sets in, I gotten over others but not over you. U were my one and only, i asked if u wanted freedom. I was afraid i was possessive, so i gave the trust i had in you into your own hands, it took the step, but you said you wanted me like that, becoz it made you feel secured and loved. Never before would i expected that, staring dumbfounded and speechless as you gave me a hug, i still remembered that day.

I pondered to myself, when will the way u will leave me, it seemed an impossible thought. You loved me... right? I knew one day if i had given you the freedom you wanted, you will take it and mess around. I did everything to your will, every single thing, nothing u said was left undone, every stone i turned resembled my love for you. I changed my entire life to be the one you wanted. I swore, I did....

U began showing signs of uncertainty, however i was still blinded by your compromising love. Everything began to materialise... nah, i guess i think too much. U began talking to guys... jealous i felt but maybe its normal. out of nowhere came these few words of me not trusting you, it became a situation where i never gave you freedom... but.. but.. but i thought you always wanted me to keep u close and tight? You never said anything. It became a scenario that i was petty, but i only wanted to let you know how i feel, i really was okay with everything, you thought too much, you still think i would get angry over it. I was, but did the chance to change ever crossed your mine? Still so, i'll say this... you never told me.

everything soon changed...

There were times you never treated me like your boyfriend, you talked to others like, as if i never cease to exist, ur words were making me disbelieving the impression i had on you, I knew... i knew it all along... It became an everyday affair of a conversation you will hold with someone, an intimate one.

Problems arosed suddenly, you couldnt talk on the phone for more than 10 min. i feel im talking to myself, the process was torturing, dont you have nothin to say? When anything happens, you blame it on the foundation of all its causes. me. Y rake up the past? y couldnt you forget about the time that i was less assured? y must you always say u are scared im angry? i was more angry when u said that in the first place, simply, you couldnt even give me a chance. Not one compared to the manifolds of hurts u inflicted upon me, i never said a single thing. I never wanted you sad, i really didnt mind getting hurt for you. I thought this relationship was about that...

Letters stop sending, no more nice mails, no more sweet gifts. Ok i understand your situation at home, i thought we didnt have to at all. Chemistry was ending, the reaction slowly bubbling away, nevermind i thought, maybe it was a sign of everything being stable. i was wrong...

U patched up with your ex during the period of my birthday, i never knew...
U went with another guy for a month b4 i left you, i never knew...

U lied to me so you can be with guys u wanna meet, i never knew...

U went out with so many different guys, each time showing signs that u werent attached at all, saying you were busy with school, i never knew...

U lied to me saying ur friends were from pri sch, u jus met them, and lie on how u got to know them, dun u trust me? i never knew...

U complain y ur hi card money keep going down, weird huh.? i hardly sms u and always no money... keep blaming ur mum for calling and me for smsing u, i guess ur free incoming came in handy... or was it other guys are nicer to msg? i never knew...

U always complained that you couldnt sms in class, but 24/7, 3 different guys u were msging nonstop,replying nonstop , i thought u couldnt reply me? i never knew...

U never wanted to meet me anymore because u were tired of me, so you went out with another guy, i never knew...

U were always flirting behind my back, i stayed faithful, i lost everything for you, but u couldnt see it anymore, this i never knew...

Everything i never knew, i knew in a day. everything crashed down on me... everything. No wonder i felt like i was building this relationship by myself... i was a fool for you... a complete idiot. your shrewdness i never knew. it pains...

we quarrelled, many a times i wonder what caused you to change 360, it was like i wasnt someone you loved, i did make accusations that you had another boyfriend outside, never did i knew i was right. you told stuff to your friends that make me sound like a jerk, maybe i am, all these, you knew...

you even lied in front of your mother that the guy u went out was jus a normal friend, yeah a normal one indeed...

National finals i gave you my ultimate trust, the trust that you promised that you will go home after dinner with your track mates, with jacinth you said. In the end, you spent the entire evening with someone else, your other boyfriend, till 1030pm at night. cool... how i wished you ever could stay awake jus once for me at that time...

you meet him 3 times a week and u tell me that i demanded too much if i asked to meet u twice..... haiz it hurts...

everything went wrong... i still loved you so much that i was suffering with you, ever since last year, it pains me to keep doing what i did for you, only you know it better. Life was definitely too comfortable for you, im sure of that. it ended, after 2 years 3 months... the last time u rushed off to meet me after school was 2 years ago.... i waited for another chance you might do that again, in the end, it went off to other guys. Somehow the expectations of you grew, and i kept doing as much to feel that u care. i kept trying only to hear you say

"stop doing so much for me, it makes me seem that i do not do enough"

it hurts.... so badly.... its not that i do too much, as a matter of fact, you never did anything anymore.... i wondered what went wrong with me, im still asking myself... why... why... why.....








it all began when you said these words...
"although i do not have the words to make you feel better, my heart and my actions aches to do so."

to what i remembered, it was like this...

i lost everything to be with you, i neglected everything so i can try to get a little more of your attention...

now.. its over, i blame myself, i blame myself, i blame myself, im sorry cuz i do not know what went wrong with me, it has always been... me.




;
breaking free to something new. =)